the closest stranger

i can't believe i still can't get over it.

it's been so long.

but yet, everything came back ytd.

i was so overwhelmed with the realization that things can never be the same anymore.

i was wondering why i was and still am so affected.

i guess hi-bye is the only thing we'd say now.

i really wonder, did that friendship ever matter as much to him as it did to me?

and did it even hurt to see such a familiar face in the most familiar places.

now i know better than to commit so much.

whatever it is, thanks for being part of my memories.

i shall move on.

你 - 是谁

歌曲：第一天
歌手：孙燕姿 专辑：完美的一天

下过雨的 夏天傍晚
我都会期待 唱歌的蝉
嘿 把星星都吵醒
月光晒了很凉快

就是这样回忆起来
第一次告白(初次告白)
尴尬的我 看爱装得很哲学的你
其实很可爱

你说活在明天 活在期待
不如活得今天很自在
我说我懂了 会不会太快
未来 第一天要展开

第一天 我存在
第一次 呼吸畅快
站在地上的脚踝
因为你而有真实感

第一天 我存在
第一次能飞起来
爱是腾空的魔幻
第一天的纯真色彩
它总是永远那么灿烂

你很搞笑 你很奇怪
你头发很乱
有的时候 你突会为我的事情
变得很勇敢

这么说来 很不单纯
你陪我看海
海那么蓝 我又好像不应该
把你想得有点坏

坏的是我发现不知不觉
不见到你不是很习惯
你的眼神里 好像也期待
期待 不一样的未来

第一天 我存在
第一次呼吸畅快
站在地上的脚踝
因为你而有真实感

第一天 我存在
第一次能飞起来
爱是腾空的魔幻
第一天的纯真色彩
它总是永远那么灿烂

蓝色的海(阿信:蓝色的海)
海上的云(飞:海上的云)
云的那端(阿信:云的那端)
不转弯(飞:不转弯)
到未来(阿信:到未来)

你说活在明天 活在期待
不如活得今天很自在
我说我懂了 会不会太快
未来第一天要展开

第一天 我存在
第一次呼吸畅快
站在地上的脚踝
因为你而有真实感

第一天 我存在
第一次能飞起来
爱是腾空的魔幻
第一天的纯真色彩
它总是永远那么灿烂
永远那么灿烂
永远那么灿烂

used to love the tune of the song. as i listen to the lyrics of the song today, i realised, somehow, that it brings some sort of hope.

但是, 我只能够"活在期待".

thanks ja, again.=)

am glad i actually finished my usp essay at work.=D so i dun have to come home and suffer. tmr will be another boring day at work.

met up with hongyi today cos mel couldnt make it. had a nice dinner and nice talk.=D poor j2s, it's the stressful period again.

i wonder why i still can't get over it.

poor army boys. really hope they'll be fine. have heard complaints about various stuff. guess they really just have to bear with it and pull through the whole experience. they'd definitely come out stronger.=)

disjointed sentences. so sorry. drained and tired. watched death note the last name till 230am this morning, then was told at the last part of the show (21/21 parts) that the show is copyrighted. wanted to try again today but the videos were taken away.=X ah! why can't they just let me watch the last part.=X

thanks jun, for remembering me though you're so busy and tired.

junli (www.thegharproject.com) faith can move mountains. says:
goodnight dearrr!

junli (www.thegharproject.com) faith can move mountains. says:
stay cool, dont worry, things will work out

junli (www.thegharproject.com) faith can move mountains. says:
this period's horrible.... .with the apps and all and wondering if youll make it anywhere

junli (www.thegharproject.com) faith can move mountains. says:
but have faith that from somewhere you go, you will make it far!!!

junli (www.thegharproject.com) faith can move mountains. says:
i have faith in you........!

junli (www.thegharproject.com) faith can move mountains. says:
loveee

meeting kang for dinner tmr. looking forward!=)

i've lost my place

what happens when you realise you've lost your value at home? i'm a freaking mute at home now.

my bro used to say, "everyone has a role to play at home." what's mine now? to clean the rabbits' cage? to sweep and mop the floor? to be there to command when you need help? to scream at when you dun feel happy?

i dun see anything that i can even contribute to the house anymore. they think i'm some spendthrift who can't think for myself. they think i dun care about anything. they THOUGHT i was some show-off machine to prove to others that THEIR daughter is smart. what a home man.

i know i'm already luckier than many others, but i can't help thinking about how everything changed overnight. and how i lost everything in a year.

now, they have a walking zombie at home, a volcano that erupts very often, a mute with a face painted black all the time, and they probably never knew why.

i wonder, do they ever realise how different they treat their two kids? or are my complaints just kiddish whinings to them? they always think i dun WANT to do housework, but yet, they think he's always too TIRED to do. they think i'm a spendthrift, but can they see how much they are spending on him? high petrol consumption, chicken essence everyday, supper every night. it's just that he doesn't directly spend on those. so what if i've been having free transport and lunch everyday? it's not even enough to cover what they're spending on him. talking about being fair.

it's so ironic when you have to learn to be strong at home. i always thought home is a resting place, to show your true emotions, but no, i'm damn wrong.

i've learnt the art of not answering people's questions.

when there's nothing and nobody to live for, what do you look forward to everyday?

when home isn't a warm place anymore, where should you hide from the cold?

when your mental strength is drained, where should you get the energy from?

when your inner self feels empty, how do you even fill it up?

softball!

omg i can't believe how unfit i am now. i was really damn tired during the match just now. i wasn't supposed to play lar, but they didn't have enough people, but had enough equipment for another player, so...

was really damn scared. cannot throw, cannot catch, cannot bat. and when you're on the field, everywhere's dangerous. warm-up batting, i got hit by shu's ball. and omg, there'e a big bruise there now. been a LONG time since i get such bruises on my legs. haha. am actually quite happy that i played. it's an experience to relive past memories, and of cos to exercise.=) but i didn't contribute to the game AT ALL. got striked out, and no balls came my way. so....i was a redundant player. haha.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZHIXIAN! glad she was touched by our surprise.=D had dinner with the other three, and we really talked damn a lot! opened up a lot more than normal. i guess sometimes you just need an outlet.

but it's after such talks that you realise what you're missing in your life. i guess i was never really happy with my life, though contentment is a virtue. but i dun see anything that i can be contented about. yes people may say i expect a lot, but sometimes the things that you want may not be the things you get, and the things you get may not be the things you want.

sometimes an emotional reliance is good. but yet, i know of the hurt that it has brought to me. wait till it's even possible.

cruise or vietnam? argh. so hard to make a choice.

a list of what guys should do to girls from zx's blog. oh man. i TOTALLy agree with it.

1. fight on her behalf when shes being bullied.
2. piggyback her.
3. b v cool on the outside but show concern for her in subtle ways.
4. know whats she thinking esp what shes worried abt.
5. ruffle her hair.
6. be a bit shy sometimes so she knows the impact she has on him.
7. but be bold at other times when she needs some reassurance.
8. smile at her in a different manner.
9. carry her in his arms when she faints.

n the most impt.
10. treat her like shes the most precious thing on earth.

sometimes i just wonder if it'll even be possible to meet that perfect guy. it's just that things have been so horrible that i can never imagine something good that will happen to me now. like what i told zx just now, i think there's really nothing i can think of that can make me truly happy now. except the impossible.

buckle!

shall start off with some photos which i took with my hp ytd:


jun and kang! they were complaining about me not wearing green.=X


jun! shall talk about the irony of our shopping trip later.=P


eunice! omg i haven't seen her since sec 4?=X


kang! yeah been a long time since we had a nice good talk together.=X


amy! i think both of us have been through quite a lot together, from being captains in sec 4 and after that being classmates for 2 years in jc.

shall upload the group photos when jun or kang send them to me. mr tan didn't turn up! omg we all spared some time last night just to catch up with him, but he didn't come! argh. no choice lar, busy man. got to plan another outing again then.=X kbox!=)

but the dinner was good.=D though there were so few of us, i guess it was just great talking and catching up, in a relaxing atmosphere at the glasshouse.=) it's still so amazing how we are still close and enthu even after we have graduated for 3 years. the first ever buckle camp was super unforgettable. how buckle spirit just formed in 2 days 1 night. those days were just so wonderful, when everyone had a common goal (BOH) and we all fought hard to achieve it. we failed in sec 3, but that didn't stop us from going all out in sec 4. and i guess hard work do pay off. BOH was probably my best farewell gift from the school. it's quite sad how i'm hearing things about the house spirit being less strong now, but i guess things do change over time, and at least we've shared memory of clinching BOH and in the next year, champion house.

and of cos mr tan played a big part in everything. the camp was made successful by his encouragement and his weird analogies which made damn a lot of sense to us little sec 2s then. and through my 2 1/2 years in the comm, he has never failed to give us support, to motivate us when we felt disheartened, and to make us happier when we won something. all my leadership awards came because of him too. i guess it helped that he was also quite young, and so we could all connect with him. but yes, buckle wouldn't be so special in all our hearts if not for him.

now that he isn't buckle's teacher anymore, it doesn't really matter. at least the buckle spirit will always be in all of us, and he probably didn't know the impact he had in us then.

ok before the dinner, jun and i went shopping for shoes. jun was the one who wanted to get a pair cos all of hers spoiled at the same time. the rest gave her blisters. BUT in the end, i was the one who bought 3 pairs and she didn't get any.=X but mine are all for different occasions lar. i wanted to get some tops too, but thought i shouldn't spend so much in a day. shall earn more before spending. bangkok is till SOOO long later. and by then, we'll be shopping for casual clothes more than work clothes liao. but i'm still looking forward to the trip!=) hope nothing happens again.

my parents and aunties and uncles are going vietnam instead of bangkok. i wanna go! it's like a very good experience. but i probably wouldn't enjoy myself with the "old" people there.=X still considering...

and i wanna go taiwan too.=( just can't find anyone to go with.=X

driving ytd was quite fun too, though i'm beginning to be more scared as the lessons go by, and i start learning more complicated stuff. but at least i went further! to tampines! chiong the highway with no cars lar. but i didn't want to switch to 4th gear so i was chionging 65km/h in 3rd gear.=X learnt 360 turn and controlling the car too. and my instructor said i'm actually quite good in all of that. only problem is my steering. always turn too fast.=X and he says i'm always too serious.=X

ok softball match later, though i'm not playing.=X hopefully it won't be so weird. hai...

i wonder why my mum is making me work so hard. i wanted to take a half-day, then she said it was a waste of money. this is the only period of time that i can truly enjoy and have fun, but yet i can't believe how hard i'm working. i know i need the money, yet i dun want to give up the fun that i'm supposed to have. like what my dentist said, i have my whole life to work. even now when i look at some stuff, i'd find it too ex, when last time i'd buy without thinking. hai... maybe it's the fact that it's my own money, and i dun want to deplete it so soon.=X

look at me 12 years ago. omg.

FINALly OVER!=P

yay! i passed my ftt!=D but my practical test is on the 27th august. omg. that's 5 whole months away!=X hai nvm. saving money comes with a price too. haha.

the person who sat beside me during the test was so irritating. he finished the test in 5 mins! i was still on the 10th qn! and i was considered fast already. wth. nvm at least i passed!=D

the night before i was asking jess all sorts of qns about the test. omg must really thank her lor. told her i owe her a treat.=)

but then again, actually i "spent" an additional $25 on the test. cos i took half-day leave to study. ahah.

work today was fine. i feel the pressure man! like more and more "heavy" projects that i have to handle. with jaslyn going on business trip, i can feel the stress building up. but nvm! after work means strictly no work.=)

class outing was quite ok. almost half the class turned up i think. pong and i reached adam food centre at around 720pm and no one else was there. hahah. ate and went to island creamery. sat down, talk about army, driving, and all sorts of things. feels so good to catch up, though was a lil lost in the middle of the table cos i didnt know what both sides were talking about.=X left earlier than i expected though. ah well. sometimes just having a short chat is good enough.=)

ok xiong weekend up ahead again. but at least i dun have something that keeps ringing behind the back of my brain to study. haven done my uni app though. and usp app too. hai nvm. sometimes taking one step at a time is good too. i've learnt that over jc.

shall end off with two og outing photos:

FTT. hope for the best.

how long have i not blogged on a weekday afternoon man. but i'm doing this illegally lar. took half-day to study my ftt, but here i am.

i didn't know some restaurants dun accept reservations on weekends.=X wah make my life harder lor. haha actually not really lar. just have to go a lil earlier. heh.

ok "class gathering" on msn. that's quite fun...=P the real class gathering on thurs. yay!

hmm went to the dentist ytd morning. tightened my braces again, and changed colour. the dentist actually said my teeth move very fast! that's a damn good thing. i hope that means i can remove my braces earlier than expected.=) and he was being a lil philosophical ytd too. "why are you working so hard now? you have your whole life to work. i dun care, i'm giving you a slot so that you can take leave." haha! BUT he left a short piece of wire inside my mouth. so i was wondering, how come the wire so long wan. when i was eating, then i realised the wire was actually not supposed to be part of the other wiring.=X ah well.

ok back to ftt. my whole week is gone. but it's so fulfilling. filled with activities and meeting up with people i miss.=D i rather my days be like that then having a come-home-early-after-work week. but seriously, my WHOLE week filled, including the nights. wanted to squeeze in some class outing during the weekend. that in itself is already tough. amazing isn't it. good thing i suggested island creamery. heh. but my mum was complaining, "whole day not at home."

my whole family is at home now. surprising. it's been a long time since we had dinner together, and being at home so early. hah.

FTT! wish me good luck tmr.

fun!

i've realised how tutoring a stoned kid is actually worse than tutoring a rebellious one. omg. dylan was SOOOOO stoned today that i think he didn't reply half the time when i talked to him. so the whole time i was trying to get a response from him. in the end chose to give in to his requests. haha. but his mum explained to me later on that it was because he didn't sleep for the two nights in camp, so he slept for the whole of ytd, so was still in a zonked-out mode during tuition.

past 2 days have been busy but eventful. driving was worse than it should be, cos i stalled engine at least 10 times lar. and all at the junctions cos i always step the accelerator too lightly. wah. i was damn pissed at myself. actually can go further away wan, then in the end still stayed at ubi.=X i hope i won't be so horrible next lesson.

but i'm still damn scared for ftt! tried to book an e-trial test but all the slots taken up. took half day leave to study tmr, but i wonder how effective it'll be. i dun wanna fail and have to wait a few more months again! the next practical test is in sept liao. HOW long later lar. hai...

after that went for og outing at weiqi's house. went to chomp chomp to have our dinner, and met kang there! with her classmates and woochiao. our convos were quite funny, though i can't exactly remember what they were. then walked to weiqi's house which was freaking deep in lar. walked until we were all damn tired. sat down, watched some movie, then started mahjong, then bridge, then black jack with chips when we were all dying from sleepiness. SUPER funny convos again before we slept. laughed like mad lar. slept on a cold hard floor in a room without much ventilation for a few hours. then went for breakfast, and home. amazing ahsayuni, seriously. i nv thought our og could come this far, and i think it'll go even further.

i always feel so lucky, to enjoy such company in ahsayuni, to have such wonderfully funny and "rubbish" class, to have such a crazy house comm in rj. but i guess all these came with a price.

dinner with cherry and jr after i came home, and after i did my uni apps. i actually did apps till i forgot the time. omg. in the end decided to go out of the pan [again!] to have our dinner. the norwegian salmon was good! i'm so glad i tried that dish. haha. cherry couldn't help wondering why jr and i kept speaking mandarin to each other, but once we talk to her, we would immediately switch to english. haha. i guess there are just some people whom you can't speak mandarin to.

went to cherry's house after that. garry was damn funny. he saw me, then came up to me, gave a VERY firm handshake, and said, "hao jiu mei jian!" last sunday he called me and "scolded" me, "eh woman! so your other friends more important lar." cos he asked me if i was ok with dinner, but i couldn't cos i was already meeting ja and cynli for dinner. haha. we started playing ddr using the controller. i was soo hopeless lar. then garry jr and i tried to "combine forces" to win cherry, but we failed most of the time. then garry would go, "eh woman! dun laugh leh. everytime you laugh, something bad will happen!". i always wondered how we could do so simple things at cherry's house and still enjoy being there.

actually asked jackson and zl if they wanted to come along, but one was studying for cts, the other already in army. too bad lor. haha. and jackson's in ninja. damn suay. haha.

i dunno why until now, i'm still more comfortable with my pri sch frens. it's like, you dun need to xiang tai duo, and can still talk crap and be yourself. maybe it's, again, a psychological problem.

shall go sleep liao. hope i pass ftt on wed. this weekwill be crazy again.

we are just like strangers now, aren't we?

空秋千

空秋千

（"原点"片头曲）　 作曲：林宇中 作词：林宇中 编曲：李乃刚　

荡秋千 来回终究要停在原点
望太远 眼前幸福就忽略
晃半圈 原不了爱恋
高一遍 低一遍
风就吹散了永远

还想为你摇秋千
对着夕阳扮鬼脸
若月光再美一点
我们会否把手牵

还想被你碎碎念
当数流星的配乐
你却说你等不到天亮
空秋千陪整夜

秋千和我失眠
在你影子身边
这公园太想念
你无邪的笑脸

this was the song i was talking about.=D somehow, i can imagine myself sitting on a qiu qian at night, on my own. this loneliness doesn't seem so frightening anymore. maybe, just maybe, i'm already used to it.

though deep in my heart, who ever gets used to loneliness?

ok maybe there are such people. but i can't imagine it. that would mean i have no more desire to open myself up. and no no, it's not that loneliness as in "i have no friends".

everything seems a little more relaxed today. but then again, it might just be myself.

damn xiong weekend ahead. driving, og dinner + stayover, dinner with cherry, and all these in the midst of uni and scholarship apps.

you know sometimes i just feel like a floater. maybe like what ja jess cynli have been scolding me about, i'm too "ok" with anything, so much so that i don't realise what they noticed. i nv really thought much of it actually. but i guess a friend is a friend after all. like what everyone says, in any type of relationship, you have to give and take. and probably for some, you take more. and for others, you just give more. and i nv really believe in taking more than i give anyway.

and yes, i will never want to repeat my mistake again. i will nv want to give up a friendship just like that again.

enjoyable moments

maybe i should look at the whole matter with another perspective. maybe i've just been a horrible daughter to my parents. unable to meet expectations, and at the same time insisting on my own way of doing things. and probably everything has been made worse by my own psychological barrier. even when my mum was scolding me for coming home late just now, i was still fu yan-ing. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

lyrics of tie chuang, by mavis xu. damn old song, but i suddenly listened to the lyrics, and found myself relating to it.

我的心早已经一片黑暗
再没有什麽是可以点燃
我只剩眼角的一滴泪光
怎能把这世界照亮

对你的恨已经慢慢变少
对你的爱依旧无法衡量
在原谅与绝望之间游荡
唯一的感觉是伤伤伤

我以为你给了我一线希望
我伸出手却只是冰冷铁窗
若现实它总教人更加悲伤
就让我在回忆里继续梦幻

我以为我从此能快乐飞翔
在梦醒后却只是冰冷铁窗
若现实它能教人更加勇敢
就让我在地狱里等待天堂

dinner with yowie and jun last night. high-class jap food. the food was good, and of cos the company too. talking to them always puts a lot of things into perspective. walked around esplande at night too, which was just relaxing. though i was stoning for quite some time.

here are some photos:

it was just bad that when i was alone while on my way back, everything just came back to me, and i was just so overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness all over again. sorry if i daoed anyone last night, cos i seriously didn't feel like talking to anyone.

dinner with jess ja cynli pong. omg the whole dinner was just really damn funny. we were just being our usual selves lar. and somehow our convos just make me feel like forgetting everything, and be happy. we stepped into a restaurant, then walked out again. after that decided to go cartel, but didn't want to wait. so we went to out of the pan [or something like that]. the food was really not bad, when we thought we wanted some desserts and asked for menus again, we decided that we wanted to go cartel to eat the cakes cos they were all 50% off. haha. but throughout our whole dinner, we were just laughing damn loudly. that's what i like about going out with this bunch of people - they nv fail to make me happy.

contract at bosch has extended to end april. just hope they will extend until uni starts lar, then i won't have to look for another job. but it'll be super busy for me these few weeks, cos of all the projects.

ahh i really really hope things will turn out right again.

downhill

Oh my, the last few days have been super hectic. Had been having intensive 8am-to-9pm days for the past two days cos of tuition [omg Dylan is getting super irritating!], as well as for today and tmr. but at least I’m looking forward to tonight’s and tmr night’s dinners.=) finally the army guys are back from tekong and they get a two-week break after 3 months. Haha. That explains the next two dinners. Heh.

I’m seriously in deep trouble lar. My advanced theory is progressing nowhere. Don’t even get the time to read through the book properly.=X ah well. Maybe I shall take leave next week to do uni applications as well as study for advanced theory, though I’m not sure if I’ll be successful in my request.

And anw after the whole Saturday issue with my parents which blew up to quite a big issue, my parents actually went to buy me the hp the next day, while I was at nus open house. But of course I’m paying for the phone myself. And I heard it was my dad who got my mum to buy the phone for me. Maybe they felt guilty, or just didn’t want to see me close my door everytime I’m home.

But nevertheless, it’s the most expensive phone in my whole family so far. But I’m totally loving it, except for the msging system which I’ll prob get used to after a while, and the calendar which only allows 50 anniversary dates to be saved! That totally limits my birthday entries! Argh. Ah well. But I still love my phone. And I accidentally scratched my phone while I was damn sleepy and fiddling with the charger, and gosh, I feel damn xin teng.

Talking about nus open house. Jun and I were rushing for the usp talk. I think usp is quite an attractive program. But I really dunno if I’ll even stand a chance of getting into the program, with my results. And double degree is almost impossible, cos according to the person, I need at least 3As even before they look at my application. Shall see what to do when the time comes. Hai. Shall apply to ntu and maybe smu just in case.

Kong qiu qian by lin yu zhong is damn addictive. Keep replaying the song in my ipod. But the song isn’t released in singapore’s market yet. I only found it cos I was looking for his dui diao, which I can’t find anywhere online. kong qiu qian is the theme song for an ou xiang ju which is a collaboration between hong kong, Malaysia and Singapore. I want to watch the show! But judging by how late I’ve been reaching home these days, and I don’t even get to watch the Miracle, I think I can seriously forget about it.

Thanks kim, dani and nadjad for still having the belief in me. “start believing in yourself before others can believe in you”. Sometimes I’m just so disappointed in myself that I dun think I’ll ever have enough belief in myself. But really, it’s through this period of time that I can still feel the love and concern. Thank you.

Looking forward to many outings the next two weeks. OG outing on Saturday, prob another mahjong session, an outing with cherry, and prob jr, buckle alumni dinner, and a softball match which I can’t play cos I won’t be able to make it for the training this Saturday. All these remind me that I still have a life, despite all the things that are happening at home, and the conflict within myself.

It’s amazing how many times I’ve been breaking down these few weeks. Downhill is just the right term to describe my current state. It’s like, wu lou you feng lian ye yu. It says a lot when everywhere you go, you bump into things that you do not want to, and when you start having negative feelings whenever you're alone. But I shall believe that everything will yu guo tian qing, and I’ll see the “light” again soon. It’s weird when I can’t even seek comfort in a song like ni guang, by sun yanzi, when it’s supposed to be a song which brings hope to people.

bad day.

sometimes when things just go so badly that you want to give up, it's good to escape for a while. and that was what i did today.

when you can slip and fall while walking, when you can't even open a bottle of orange juice no matter how hard you try to turn the cap, when you're told you can't buy a hp that you have been waiting for months, when your parents think that you're some shallow kid who cried because you didn't get your phone you want, how good can your day be.

it was the first time i ever cried over results. ok it wasn't just results, it was the attitude that my parents have shown me that i was so upset about. it's so tragic when your parents think that you are only worth the results you get. i just had to escape. so met up with jun. talked a lot, ate a lot, and did some shopping. thanks for accompanying me tonight! it'd have been such a lonely night if you didn't, and thanks for always being available whenever i just need someone to talk to.

and thanks to those who have shown concern! your words are probably the only thing that can keep me going these days.

driving lesson was quite fun. well better than i expected. but i stalled engine once.=X almost had a clean record till the last turn. wah lau. if not i'd have been damn proud of myself. going to tampines/pasir ris next week! haha.

i need to get out of this soon, and be stronger. i'm much weaker than i thought i am.

reality

Isn’t it so cruel when everyone around you tells you that you have done well except for your own parents? Home doesn’t feel like home anymore, cos since that fateful day, dad has been giving me the cold shoulder, frowning whenever I talk to him. Now it has become a home that I don’t want to be in. now I understand why people would want to stay out the whole day. I guess sometimes my mum is also in a very difficult spot. I’ve become more moody ever since that day, and my dad doesn’t want to talk to me. it’s not like I have the power to control what he thinks. Nobody does, actually.

So sorry have been talking about results for the past few posts.=X

Thanks ja! For still having that confidence in me!=) I guess sometimes friends are a lot more comforting to talk to than my own family. and like i said in my comments and i'm gonna repeat it here again, the happiest people are the ones who have experienced the greatest pain [after they get over the trauma of cos], cos it's only then will you be able to know the true taste of happiness.

Just now, MG, the general manager of bosch, Malaysia, called me to clarify some questions that I asked over email [I’m such an idiot when it comes to automotive parts. But then again, there are SOOOO many that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand the whole automotive industry.=X]. he’s quite a nice and helpful gm. After talking about work-related stuff, he asked me about my grades. When I told him my grades, he just went “eh AABB you still say not good ah. Dun insult me leh. I got AAB last time” [btw his “last time” meant about 15 years ago. Haha.] then, he laughed and said, “oh but yeah we’re in different leagues lar. In rj you’re surrounded by those smart people. Unlike me.” But my colleague told me that he was promoted super quickly, and he was actually a “talent” from nus biz school. Wow he wouldn’t have imagined I know so much about him. Haha.

Had my first-ever tuition lesson on wed. Dylan is quite a cute child actually, just lazy. He took quite some time to wake up after I reached his house lar. Heh but I suppose it wasn’t as bad as I thought cos we focused on math then and it was algebra, my favourite. Dun ask me to find LCM and HCF, cos I totally forgot how to. And the physics was ok too, heat and heat transfer. Though I smoked my way through a little after looking thru his textbook. today was amusing though, cos he was SOOOO distracted and couldn't wait for the lesson to end. i need to be a lot more strict with him.=X

Busy, busy week. [I’m actually typing this post at work. That explains all the capital letters. Haha.] have been preparing scholarship application stuff, and at the same time, preparing for tuition and FTT. But at least I think life is better now cos it’s more enriching. At least I’m doing a lot more things, and stepping out of my comfort zone. i’m quite worried for my first driving lesson tmr though. Need to look thru my advanced theory book before I go for the lesson. If not I think I won’t even be able to start the car at all.=X

Am trying to arrange some outings, including a buckle alumni one, and a small khs gathering. Shall hope things will eventually turn out great. i wanna meet up with so many people but dun have the guts to do so, and time, actually.

argh. i dun have any motivation to do anything. i'm quite sick and tired of trying to strive for the best. i think i was a lot happier last time.

pursuit of happyness

i would like to believe that there is something in me that sets me apart from the rest, that there is a unique identity that nobody could take away from me. but no. right up to this stage of my life, i still can't find that something. if you ask me what my strengths are, i can't even think of anything significant enough that makes me different from the people around. i'm not particularly good at anything, whether sports or academic. i have no talent in anything, whatsoever. i'm probably those sort whom people will say, "yeah she's not bad, but not outstanding."

it's so funny to face an identity crisis right now huh.

i think i've peaked in sec four. i had an almost perfect resume from sec four. good cca record, good testimonial plus damn good results. since then, i can't remember anything good that has happened to me. my whole life seems to be in a mess now, results are moderate, not at all significant enough to look at, testimonial is normal, cca record is well, maybe above average, but not outstanding. so what do i have to convince others? what do i have to convince myself?

sorry i haven't been able to step out of my comfort zone to look at the world outside. i haven't been courageous enough to face up to my own emotions, and to fight for what i hope for. i'm not ambitious enough to want to pursue any dream. i'm never decisive enough to make decisions. i'm not far-sighted enough to be able to see what i want for my future. i haven't been brave enough to show my concern for the people around. i'm not natural enough to express my feelings on my face.

pursuit of happyness is good. i guess sometimes we shud just be contented with our lives cos there are so many people out there who are probably not as lucky as most of us here. some people are struggling to make ends meet, some people can even see death in their near future. so what right do we have to be so unhappy? jun, thanks for the show. i guess it came at the right time.

"Don't ever let somebody tell you you can't do something ... You got a dream, you gotta protect it ..."

but the problem for me is, what dream? i feel like an aimless individual sailing on the sea with no destination.

respect

does results mean everything? does screwing up one exam determine one's life? do our results matter in the future? well apparently to my dad, the answer to all the questions above is a big fat YES. yes i screwed up. yes i disappointed everyone around me. yes i made my parents lose their pride. so what? are you going to disown me because of that?

i hate it when you love me because i did well in the past. i hate it when you simply judge your children by the results we achieve. yes you didn't get a good education in the past. does that mean you have to put all your hopes and pressurize your kids to do well? it's not that i dun understand why you're doing so, but dun you think everything's a little overboard? so when you say i did ok, was it just to make me come home? if that's the case, i'd rather not have come home and look at your sulky face. do you think i'm not feeling bad about my own results?

even my auntie knows what his brother is like. she sent me an email today, and it goes:

"Hi Amelia,

i gather while yr Mother is not adverse to yr performance, yr Father is a little upset.

objectively, nobody can ask for better results than what u hv achieved. more importantly we know u hv done yr best. yr Father's reaction is probably temporary and becos he loves u n hv high expectation.

dont allow this development to erode your respect, love and views abt him. also stay strong to maintain yr confidence and positive outlook.just continue yr good work, do yr best and everything will turn up fine. U hv our support always.

APearlyn"

but i'm sorry. my respect for him has already eroded, and it's really not just because of this matter. like i've mentioned, if you want respect, you've got to earn it first.

and at this point, i'd really want to thank some people for showing concern, after knowing that i didn't do too well. they are: boon, zhi xian, bryon, cai, yowie, pong, joshua, heidi tan, charles, darinne, hongyi, mel, and jun. thanks for showing that you care, and for attempting to make me feel better. even if it's only a short sms, or a long msn convo. thanks for helping me regain that confidence in me, and making me realise that i'm worth more than what my result slip shows.

on another note, i finished watching hana kimi! but the ending was -_-. but ah well. it was a good show overall, and i definitely would not mind watching it again. such shows always make me think a lot, cos they show such an idealized form of relationship [like my perfect bf quan rite.=X]. i wonder if such love even exist in real-life at all.

i guess sometimes memories are also idealized. our brain somehow filters away the imperfection in past events, and retains the best parts. and for bad memories, our brain just filters away the good things that happened. it's probably psychological.

and maybe it's true after all, that i have very high expectations of certain things in my life. sometimes, it's hard not to. but yet i know that expectations ruin the happiness gained out of contentment.

here's some personality test that i did. i think it's SOO true. i have changed from an ISTJ to an ISFJ. haha. and sorry the text is so small. it's too long lar.

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.

In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.

While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.

Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem.

so many things to do this week. prepare for tuition [physics omg=X], read up on advanced theory for practical, apply for gms. and it doesn't help that work is piling up.

to end off, here's a photo of the four of us at pepper lunch to celebrate cynli's bday:

horrid

and so the truth is out. i didn't do as well as expected. i didn't live up to expectations. i don't have enough luck for the 3rd straight national exams. i'm not even eligible for gms.

it hit me real hard when i first saw my results. i can't even meet gms minimum criteria. when i looked through my results thoroughly, only then did i realise how much i screwed up. there are miracles, like how i scored D for econs s and M for math s. but yet, i got B for normal econs. wth lar. i really didn't know whether to be happy or sad.

of cos there's a fair share of people who totally deserve their grades, and there are others whom i think could have done better, and a handful of people whom i think didnt deserve their grades at all. no matter what it is, i guess at least the suspense is over.

i can't believe the impact of THAT matter on my results. i think it was a result of thinking and imagining too much, causing myself to be so distracted during that whole period of time. i know it can't be an excuse. but yet, i can't help but feel a tinge of regret. why did i allow myself to sink so deep into the whole matter? i screwed up my prelims cos of that, but i still didn't force myself out of it. i guess sometimes emotions are hard to control.

thanks to those who consoled and made me happier. i think i gave some people a scare, when i just walked away after looking at my results. i guess it was the initial disappointment. and the expectations. i really wanted to cry, but i knew i didn't have a right to. and like what i told others, everyone starts afresh in uni. it doesn't even matter what score you get. you dun get a headstart no matter what. but deep in my heart, i know my results aren't going to help me at all. maybe getting into what i want is already tough. and there are probably tons of people out there who got a better score than me. so how can i ever shine?

i am still going to apply for gms, and maybe a few more non-bond scholarships. but i guess i'll never be confident anymore. i can't talk about what i can achieve academically when my results just aren't good enough. i can no longer give the guarantee that i'll do well because my results failed me this time round. i just hope that these scholarship boards would not look at my application form and simply chuck it aside.

and i realised there's a double-degree offering business and public policy. a little contradictory in a sense, but sounds like what i wanna do in future. i think i'll consider applying for it. but whether i'll be able to is another matter, considering my results.

talking to cynli, ja and jess is forever therapeutic, simply cos of the amount of laughter. we actually hung out at venezia till close to 12am. i think the people there we are mad, cos we were laughing super loudy all the time. heh.

oh and i was telling my mum i didn't want to go home, cos i didn't have the face to do so. and i dunno if she took it for real, but she actually called up junli to check if i was going to stay over at her house. jun got so worried she immediately called me. blame my mum for saying "you die lar. results so bad." when i got home after midnight, the window grille that was normally unlocked was locked. i suspect they thought i was going to jump. like madness.

and thanks to yowie and pong for the enlightening talk on msn:
"REC Kong says:
dont worry lar it'll all turn out fine
REC Kong says:
sum1 of ur caliber will find her way and it'll all seem insignificant eventually"

"REC Kong says:
yea.. its good lar it really is. maybe doesnt look as good now when ur strolling arnd a sch and all that is apparent are the grades.... but when the consequences of the grades start showing... when the effects of ur achievements so far start manifesting themselves in deciding ur path.. den u'll reallise they're actually excellent grades
REC Kong says:
its all a matter of where ure standing discussing it lol
REC Kong says:
cuz they actually are only a small part of what u become.... it just happens to be the most quantifiable.
REC Kong says:
thats what i think lar... from seeing my sister and pple who have moved on"

"tequila sunrise says:
you can have much less confidence in getting the scholarship
tequila sunrise says:
but you must always have confidence in your own self
tequila sunrise says:
results dont define who you are"

"tequila sunrise says:
dats why its called a miracle
tequila sunrise says:
no one knows how it happens"

my mum found this in the khs website. it's quite funny lar.heh.

TOP PSLE PUPILS
2000
Liu Yun
Amelia Wang Yu You

2001
Ling Mun Wai Natalie
Yao Zhen

and please dun be mistaken. i didn't get top PSLE pupil. i think that's the top model pupil list below the top pupil, as proven by yao zhen in the year 2001. heh.

ok i'm damn sleepy.

numbing soups

i have no idea what's happening to me. it's as if there is SOMETHING in soups that makes my whole body numb whenever i drink them. i'll feel as if there's a kind of force that pushes on my head, then my limbs will have a numbing sensation. what the hell is wrong man. and the question is, why SOUPS?

i have no idea why i am so irritated, but i just am.

celebrated cynli's bday just now at pepper lunch. had a lot of fun just chatting and laughing together. one of the few times i actually see orchard shops close. haha. but had quite a lot of fun. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! you are 4 3/4 years old!=D

tutoring a kid from next week onwards. oh man i dun even know if i'm up to it. physics leh. like my worst A level subject. but i guess it'd be good.=) extra cash lar. haha.

results out tmr. have been thinking and predicting my results. i can't wait for time to fast-forward to that moment. but another part of me still wants to live in denial - to live a life without thinking about my future. at least for the past few months, i had a BIG reason for not thinking. now, i'm forced to decide.

nvm i have one more day. at least my path will become clearer tmr. there will be many calls to my home tmr. and my mum shall become a dj.