sudden realisation.

i had already switched off the comp, turned off my lights and about to go to sleep. then suddenly i felt an urge to blog, and so here i am.

i realised that i can't make new friends simply by having a few days of interaction. for me to even keep in contact with friends, i think i need more than a few months of interaction before i actually know the people well enough to keep in contact. even then, i might not even do so. there are just so many examples to justify that. the exceptions are people who take initiative to do so.

just from jc days onwards. ahsayuni, buckle-buckley, council, softball, 6h, at bosch, and even the most recent life-four project. throughout the last few years, although i made a lot of friends, i would think i won't even keep in contact with 1% of these people. there are just so few people whom i will meet up as a smaller group to catch up. maybe as a big group yes, but definitely not as a small specific group.

as i look through the life 4 blog, i realised how great an extent this is true. everyone is like meeting up, tagging, msn-ing, smsing. but i would say i haven't made a single friend through the 6 days. acquaintances maybe, not friends who will stay. i'm probably just looking at the surface, but i guess it already shows how "un-friendly" i am. i guess i'm someone whom you will talk to comfortably, but not confide in or talk to for long periods of time. boring, maybe? i do admit i'm a rather dull person i guess. i just can't help it! i'm a damn bad conversationalist.

which is why i think i might not be happy in uni. cos social networking is so important in uni. you actually have to go out of your way to make friends.=X i hope i won't have to. hai. i realised, too, that i dun go for "in-between" friendships. friends are either close to me, or rather distant. there are no above average. i guess it also stems from the fact that i'm damn introverted, and i open up super slowly. i should think i only have myself to blame? ah well.

our hotel stay in guangzhou is still not confirmed! wth! 24 more hours and i'll probably be preparing to get to the airport! hotelclub is super duper ultra inefficient!

tuition today was..ok. dylan was DAMN stoned at the beginning. when i came in, and gave him work to do, he only just kept staring at the book. i looked at him, and said, "if you're going to continue like that, i'll just go off. there's no point carrying on with the tuition if you're like that." i didn't mean it in a scary way, but i think he got rather scared, and he woke up quite a bit after that. heh. so whole lesson basically we weren't doing much, cos he was so stoned. but his mum bought something for me from japan! omg! didn't expect it at all! they really treat their tuition teachers rather well huh. heh.

they had life four dinner at the same time. told shiyun i would go if she went. but she couldn't make it, so decided not to waste money but instead go for tuition and earn money.=P in any case, i'd have felt SUPER extra anw, so i rather not go lar.

having breakfast with buddy david tmr! then going to school with cynli and prob meet up with buddy hongyi! j2s jiayou!! i know the feeling of endless mugging. not easy but fight on!!=)

i wonder if i shud offer some help to zl in nyjc for his studies. kept thinking about his "sos" sms a few weeks back, and was thinking maybe i shud help a lil. ah well. hopefully he does well enough lar.=X

lunch with cynli tmr. meeting josie to discuss tripod stuff and thereafter facil training at touch at bukit merah till late. good thing i packed my luggage today, if not i wouldn't know how i can survive coming home so late and going to the airport at such an unearthly hour.=X

guangzhou and hk here i come!=P

random update

have been rather hectic these days, but at least got down to settling some stuff.=)

saturday afternoon was spent with my relatives at parkroyal hotel eating some nice buffet. without bro though. felt a lil out of place cos i totally have no topic to talk about, but ah well. good food at least.=P

sunday...tripod camp meeting at peishan's house. thrashed out a lot of things, and good that most things are going well. at least now i'm clearer about my role in the camp comm. after that was family dinner at hotel grand central cos we have some voucher. nice pepper crab! heh. then after that meeting with guangzhou/hk people at 9pm! my parents were asking me how come got meeting so late wan.=X but it was damn funny. i think we were laughing damn loudly and making a lot of noise.=P managed to settle quite a lot of stuff, so it was good as well.=)

nus medical checkup on monday. ja couldnt make it so decided to go alone. felt totally out of place cos it seems like everyone knows everyone else through the bizad camp. my eye sight test failed.=X the rest were fine i think. after the x-ray, i actually walked into a guy's toilet! omg. i was DAMN paiseh. wah lau. the sign was unclear lor. not my fault. so i came out and was HOPING nobody saw. but i think somebody saw and commented. OMG.

went shopping alone at bugis while waiting for mum. the tube i wanted to buy was GONE. omg i was so sad.=X ok lar not really. i saved some money.=P after that went to collect some 26-inch tv and something embarrassing happened again. i was struggling to carry the tv and suddenly it just dropped! damn loud sound lar. then i could hear everyone around going "aww...". omg. damn paiseh again.

then ytd was spent at home doing trip costing again. now it seems like more things are clearer. and more or less settled most stuff liao. feel more relieved now.=) settled refunds too. 3 days in hk now!! my goodness. and when i updated my passbook today, i felt so sad, cos basically i dun have a lot of savings after working for 5 months.=X and my account has been decreasing. i must really control my spending in guangzhou and hk. hai.

but definitely looking forward to the trip. highlight of my 8-month holidays man. after planning for so long. but next few days might be quite busy. meeting ja, jess, cynli later and going back to rj!=D hopefully i get to meet buddies before their math paper. then hanging out till late again! thurs having tuition to supplement my income.=X then fri tripod facilitator training at night.=X good luck to me.=X

see you guys on 5th july if i dun update for the next few days.=)

我怀念的

我怀念的
孙燕姿 专辑：逆光

作词:姚若龙 作曲:李偲菘

我问为什么 那女孩传简讯给我
而你为什么 不解释低着头沉默
我该相信你很爱我
不愿意敷衍我
还是明白你已不想挽回什么

想问为什么 我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么 却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的 是无话不说
我怀念的 是一起作梦
我怀念的
是争吵以后还是想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手 最暖的胸口
谁记得
谁忘了

想问为什么 我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么 却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的 是无话不说
我怀念的 是一起作梦
我怀念的
是争吵以后还是想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手 最暖的胸口
谁忘了

我怀念的 是无言感动
我怀念的 是绝对炽热
我怀念的
是你很激动 求我原谅 抱得我都痛
我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火 最长的相拥
谁爱得太自由 谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心
谁忘了那就是承诺
谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔

我怀念的
我还有想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手 最暖的胸口
我放手
我让座
假洒脱
谁懂我多么不舍得
太爱了
所以我没有哭 没有说

i know i shouldnt continue to think about these stuff, but i just can't help it.=X

i'm damn pissed with myself really. i keep ruining my own life, i keep closing my own doors, i'm still stuck in my own shell refusing to come out. and then i start to wonder why my life sucks rite. i start to wonder how come it seems like my life is going downhill. i start to wonder how come i'm alone all the time.

but i guess everyone has their own emotional times. it's just that many a times, we only see the happier sides of people.

i keep thinking back, keep wondering how come things seem to always stray away from me.

i guess i only have myself to blame.

but no worries, i'm fine. as i said, i'm just wondering.

sometimes i wonder...

sometimes, i just wish i could talk to you once again, to know what you've been doing these days, to listen to how you're feeling.

as we were talking about it last night, i couldn't help but think about it once again, the few months of simple reliance.

but i guess being the stubborn one, i'll nv have enough courage or motivation to talk to you once again. not at the same level of friendship anyway.

it's been close to a year, and although it's no longer haunting me that much, i'll still be hoping for another friend like you to come along, and to stay put instead of being just a passer-by.

at times, i wish we could have another shot. but, the damage has been done.

ah well, i'm ranting again.

went shopping with ja and pong today. ja and i spent 1+ hours at the mango sale lar. it's just madness. so many people squeezing here and there. but well, managed to get some tops at least.=) the preparation for uni man. heh. that's always an excuse for buying clothes now.

for bags and wallet, i shall look for them at guangzhou or hk.=P

pong joined us after that, then ja had to leave for tuition. cherry couldnt make it for dinner last minute so in the end, shopped around with pong for a while, before pong sent me home again. had my "dinner" in his car also. haha! always good to have a driver amongst your group of friend. he's entering ocs soon already though.=(

aunt cat treating us to lunch tmr. shall look forward to it man.=) good food!

there are so many things to do yet i've been so lazy to sit down properly and think through everything.

- guangzhou costings and itinerary
- uni stuff
- tripod camp stuff - night walk, amazing race, admin prep
- class chalet
- buddy meal
- packing of my room
- develop my photos

that list was just to remind myself. heh.

midnight chatting.=)

i love midnight chats! the night atmosphere just makes everything seem so peaceful.

shall start off by saying something about driving lesson. my gosh i'm damn lousy lar. until now, after having prob around 12 lessons, i'm still stalling! and everytime i stall, i stall more than twice! so i'd stop at the junction for super damn long.=( but my instructor still keeps saying i'm a good driver. i wonder if he's gonna change his mind soon.=X but my test is SOOOOOOOO damn far away, so for now, i shall heck it. heh.

after that came home to slack a little before heading to ps. was early so walked around by myself first. met cynli and we went to cartel to book seats first. in the end, we just kept eating their bread and drinking water without ordering any main course. super paiseh lar! pong and ja came after a while, and we just sat down and talk all sorts of crap. like i always say, talking to them has this therapeutic effect, like everything else doesnt really matter. haha!

then since we have a driver among us, we decided to hang out late and headed down to holland village. couldnt find a nice place which opens till late, so decided to buy stuff from 7-11 and go to the playground around ja's house. was really damn cool just sitting under the night sky and talking.=)

pong sent cynli and i back after that. i reached home at around 2.30am i believe. just crashed on my bed lar. so tired.

meeting ja to shop later.=P and prob dinner with cherry and jr.

i shall really get down to doing my guangzhou costing stuff soon, and also tripod camp stuff. one week and one day later, i'll be flying to guangzhou! looking forward to it lar. i hope my bank account can finance my spending there. HAHA!

ok i think i didnt post these two sentio pictures before.

dinner at swensens!


after the performance with some ocs guys!

i want the photo with my buddy! hopefully jun uploads it soon.=)

and lastly,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDY!!!

i know you're probably still mugging for cts now, but must remember to enjoy also k! hopefully you won't get owned by the others that much!=P

day 6 - last day!

time passed so quickly seriously. soon it was already our last day at khao lak.=(

visited the victim cemetary and also the victim identification centre in the morning.

the countries in which there were people who died during the tsunami; the entrance of the cemetary; the structure signifying the deadly waves; the burial ground for the victims; the incinerator; the wheel barrow [is that how you spell it?!] to transport dead bodies; the containers of dead bodies which have to be at a temperature of -17 degree Celsius. there were 5km of such containers immediately after the tsunami happened.=X; if i'm not wrong, that's also an icinerator.


shiyu and i on the bus.


view from the front of the bus.


zihua, junli and i with the bus boy. he's 18!


the few of us together with the 3 "heroes" of our group. heh.


3 25ths with a 27th! now benedict can go boast that he went on a LEARNING JOURNEY with 3 25ths!=P


the rafflesians!


benedict the 27th! he was my plane partner. so throughout the WHOLE plane ride, we were talking about council, house and school life. the time on the plane passed super quickly cos of that i think!=)


christina! she was one of the co-leaders for our group.


the two funny guys in our group, lincoln and kah hou. they are seriously amusing people.


a few of us with leslie! he talks like mr tan! all his inspirational talks and all. gosh. been a long time since i talked to mr tan.=X


group 4!!! the only group with no guy.=P


ms lydia seah and ms cindy seetoh, the teachers for our trip!

so that concludes my whole trip at khao lak. been really wonderful. learnt to be appreciative, learnt not to take things for granted, learnt how to step out of my conmfort zone, learnt how to take the lead when people around you aren't, learnt how to teach, learnt how to empathize, learnt that all of us have to be brave no matter how life turns out to be, learnt how to have the never-say-die spirit, learnt how to tolerate insect bites, learnt how to make do with whatever resources we have, etc etc. in just 6 days. at least i could put down everything in singapore, and truly helped those who need help in another part of the world.

ok i just finished 6 entries in a day. it's 4am! oh man. driving lesson later, then meeting ja cynli pong for dinner! woohoo! looking forward to that!=) i just hope i stop scratching my mosquito/sandfly bites.=X

day 5 - final farewell plus tsunami sites visiting

woke up earlier for area cleaning, and also packing of our bags. felt really sad that we were soon going to leave the school. it was raining super heavily, so we had more time to take photos with our students. like one of us said, maybe the rain was to help us have more time with our students.

so while waiting for the rain to stop, we were all taking photos. on this day alone, i took 121 photos. haha. but it was always amusing cos you could never take good two-person photos. whenever you start posing for a photo, everyone else would rush in to take. haha.

my group wanted to return their first day's drawings with personal notes behind as a form of memory for them. in the end, i received a few drawings which was folded into hearts! i guess as much as we want them to remember us, they too would want us to be reminded of them everytime we look at their drawings. seriously touching.







after all these photos were taken, it was really time to let go. the guys in my class were helping me lug my luggage to the bus, and on the way, after seeing peijun and xinen cry, i couldn't help but cried as well. it was such a teary farewell for us. many of the class guys were laughing at us, and the class girls just came hugging us. even some of the class guys cried. aww man. went up the bus crying like mad, and lincoln they all who were already on the bus had to keep asking us not to cry. my other group members received things like soft toys, pictures from the class people, and peijun even received one person's lunch! i was so sad that i didnt have any photos to leave behind. felt so guilty disappointing one after another when they asked us for pictures.=X

took some time to calm down on the bus. we were on our way to the tsunami sites.


this shows one of the sites where the tsunami hit. was taken by lincoln cos i was on the wrong side of the bus.


a group photo with a police patrol boat which was washed 2-3km by the waves. if i'm not wrong, the grandson of the king was killed in this boat.


the angel. it apparently saved 2 lives as it was washed to this "destination", miraculously killing no one.


the devil. it apparently killed many people, and a lot of dead bodies were found below this boat as it crushed many houses on its way from the water to this place.


the tsunami memorial park. names were carved on copper plates and placed on the left side.


one of the places where the tsunami hit. waves were already quite strong when we were there. can't imagine how the waves look like on the day itself man.=X


jun and i with the beautiful sea as background.


jun, zihua and i!

we went for an interview with this lady survivor of the tsunami. she missed death by a split second, and had to endure the mental and physical torture of searching for her family and relatives through tons and tons of dead bodies. she also showed us the photos of her daughter's body when she was found 8 days after the tsunami. the body was all bloated and really quite deformed.

what's more there were people taking advantage of the situation to try to get hold of the whole plot of land where her village was situated. eventually, she met a reporter and her predicament received media attention. she fought the case for one whole year and finally won. felt so happy for her. but i guess it was really true that she had nothing else to lose.


her house which is available for homestay.=) once had 60 people under the same roof. amazing huh.


the view of the sea from the 2nd floor of her house.


a photo with the superlady. she's second from the left.


the newspaper article that saved her life.


a destroyed house right beside the sea. concrete and metals were all destroyed by the sheer power of the waves.


the child education centre at the cdc. it was soooo fun playing table tennis at the cdc!=)


dinner at a restaurant. the food was really not bad! but it was really too much for 6 people to eat. haha.


the stuff that the kids gave before we left.


our hotel room. it was the BEST and ONLY hotel around the area. the air-con wasn't working, the shower had no heater, the room was so small, the mirror was so freaky, etc etc. being the person who's so particular about hotel cleanliness, i really disliked the place. dun think i could have survive another day in this hotel.=X

quote from leslie:
"Give me the courage to change the things i can change; give me the strength to accept the things i cannot change; and give me the wisdom to know the difference." just thought it was quite meaningful. there are just so many things that are beyond our power. as much as we'd like to strive for the best in our life, we still have to be realistic about it.

long long entry huh.=X

day 4 - last day of lesson plus an emotional night.

last day of teaching! felt a little relieved but yet she bu de at the same time. plus there was an assessment of our kpis!


lesson time!


karoline the brazilian; on; la; shanshan, sutha and karoline; group photo with my class; peijun and i; 2 more group photos taken with the m1 kids; group 4 photo which was so not centralised cos i believe my student wasn't so good with my camera. haha.

we were so worried during the assessment can! whenever the teachers asked them what each fruit, shape colour or occupation was, my heart would just skip a beat, and i would be so super happy whenever they could answer. they were actually attentive during our lessons!=) i even teared a lil when they could answer all the questions the teachers asked.=X

time for farewell. the attendance was not too good probably cos it was so sunday.

2 group photos plus 2 photos of the children's performances. most of the performers were from m1! was soo proud of them.=D oh and one of our students was actually fanning ellyna throughout the whole performance. so sweet rite?=) and our performance was just quite crappy. so impromptu lar! but nvm quite fun also.=)


real-life firework in front of us after the burning of the lanterns that signify our hopes and wishes for the children at the school. when all the lanterns managed to fly upwards and even managed to cross the trees, i was so happy that i actually teared again! lousy me. but i was truly touched, and really hope that all our wishes will be able to come true.=) the fireworks were just....magnificent.


rebecca and eank; min zhi; lin ying; zihua


jun and i. must thank her for asking me to go on this trip!


a few of us having noodles late at night. quite shuang lar. heh.

that concludes day 4. time passed so damn quickly!

day 3 - 2nd day of lesson plus visit to the villages!

was about to blog about the 3rd day when i received an email from my econs s yahoogroup.

the last line wrote, "Engineers figure out how to harness the power of technology;
economists figure out how to harness the power of incentives. Our
prosperity relies on both.". was just thinking, since engineers and economists require some sort of higher education, wouldn't that mean that people in places like khao lak where education is so unimportant will never be able to prosper?

i guess that is why it takes such a long time for developing countries to be fully developed. there's a vicious cycle of poverty in play here.

back to my main blogging content. haha.

my second day of lesson was conducted in the computer room. the computers are pentium 4! and all of the computers are new. the kids were basically super happy to get to touch the computers again. heh.


first 3 photos show the kids playing games like blow wind blow and the name game. they LOVED blow wind blow even though they kept blowing the same stuff; last photo shows the kids using the comps. some of them were really fascinated by the stuff you could do with the computer.


i can't remember his name!; xinen and la; i can't remember her name!; biya; on; i can't remember both their names in the next two photos!; xinen; nang; shiyun; i can't remember his name!; and group photos for the rest.=)

they were basically super slack during the computer lessons, cos they were either playing solitaire, spider solitaire, pinball or minesweeper, or they were gliding around with the chairs. of cos there were a handful still working hard on their powerpoint slides. haha. it wasn't easy teaching them computer skills simply cos they dunno how to read english! like if they didn't know how to read "custom animation", they'd definitely forget how to do animation even after teaching them. they can only remember based on the position of the command.


la, my favourite boy in the class. isn't he soooo cute and handsome?=P

next was visit to the villages. took a few photos along the way too.

i dun think these photos need any explanation. just compare with the houses we have in developed countries.


pop and biya who were my companions for the village visit. they were seriously damn nice. throughout the whole walk, they were leading me through the driest places, telling me to take photos whenever there were nice stuff, helping me keep my camera after i take photos, and even plucking the best parts of the leaves for me. along the way, they were also plucking flowers for me. towards the end of the visit, one of them even bought me a small packet of mentoes-like sweets. aww man. it's like they are already so poor yet they still took so good care of me. during the whole walk, i was just super touched at how the two of them were "protecting" me instead of me, being the older one, protecting them. they even helped me remove all sorts of insects that landed on me.=X

the ride back was fun! on the back of jimmy's van. too many bumpy places but jimmy just drove through all of them, and we were just screaming and shouting the whole way through. heh.


a not-so-thin pig. yowie, that SOOOO doesn't look like me does it?=X


on the way back, we saw an auntie selling roti prata. decided to buy one and oh gosh it was damn nice! the auntie must have been so happy that all of us were staying in the school.


all the flowers that biya and nang and pop gave me along the way. i took this photo too late, so all of the flowers seem to be dying...=(

i earned a reputation during area cleaning man. shan't say anything here just in case you end up puking after reading it. haha! but yes, the news spread so quickly that people started questioning me after a while. it's not really a good thing really, to have that sort of reputation.=X there are just some things you have to do as a leader, no matter how much you dun want to, if your group members are even more scared of doing the same thing.

also saved some people from having no water during their baths by pulling up the lever of the pump. heh.

this day was better in a sense that i really made myself come out of my shell to do things i normally won't do. started opening up a lot more as well.

some quotes from leslie:
"Whenever you face a problem, look in the mirror and in it you'll find the cause and solution of the problem." so true ain't it. i never believed in blaming others for anything that happens, but would rather reflect inward first before pushing the blame to others, if i even do so. this quote really summarises this principle of mine.

"You have to learn to manage surprises." i guess in life, there are just so many things that you can't expect. we can't be sheltered all our lives. perhaps being flexible is the best way to go. i liked his whole talk about thinking out of the box. really triggered some thoughts, though the rest were dozing off from tiredness.



i can't believe i couldn't even escape from you during the trip. sometimes i find myself stoning and jerking up whenever i hear your name. tragic isn't it.