i've lost my place

what happens when you realise you've lost your value at home? i'm a freaking mute at home now.

my bro used to say, "everyone has a role to play at home." what's mine now? to clean the rabbits' cage? to sweep and mop the floor? to be there to command when you need help? to scream at when you dun feel happy?

i dun see anything that i can even contribute to the house anymore. they think i'm some spendthrift who can't think for myself. they think i dun care about anything. they THOUGHT i was some show-off machine to prove to others that THEIR daughter is smart. what a home man.

i know i'm already luckier than many others, but i can't help thinking about how everything changed overnight. and how i lost everything in a year.

now, they have a walking zombie at home, a volcano that erupts very often, a mute with a face painted black all the time, and they probably never knew why.

i wonder, do they ever realise how different they treat their two kids? or are my complaints just kiddish whinings to them? they always think i dun WANT to do housework, but yet, they think he's always too TIRED to do. they think i'm a spendthrift, but can they see how much they are spending on him? high petrol consumption, chicken essence everyday, supper every night. it's just that he doesn't directly spend on those. so what if i've been having free transport and lunch everyday? it's not even enough to cover what they're spending on him. talking about being fair.

it's so ironic when you have to learn to be strong at home. i always thought home is a resting place, to show your true emotions, but no, i'm damn wrong.

i've learnt the art of not answering people's questions.

when there's nothing and nobody to live for, what do you look forward to everyday?

when home isn't a warm place anymore, where should you hide from the cold?

when your mental strength is drained, where should you get the energy from?

when your inner self feels empty, how do you even fill it up?