break from mugging

jun emailed this photo to me and said that she likes this photo a lot.=) gosh cant believe it's only been 2 1/2 months after you left and it feels like it's a long time!

and jun, if you're reading this, i'll reply your email VERY soon. two papers in a day is a killer man.

my brain was almost fried today. firstly, econs. i sat there, stared at the questions, cursed a little, and started making sure i dun panic. the questions are sooo long, and 5 marks require you to write workings that take up 1 1/2 foolscap. wth lar. the workings are so tedious that i REFUSED to check my workings after that cos i wouldnt be able to finish checking all of them in any case.

then wait for 6 hrs gps. write until fingers ache man. 3 essays in 2 hrs. first one, 5 pages. then 4 pages, then 3 pages. damn good. and i had the most stuff to talk abt for the last essay.-.- ah well. but i'm damn glad gps is over. it's exhausting studying for it man. cos it's not something i'm confident in, plus i did so badly for my term paper, plus we're competing against people who write essays all the time. and before this module, i knew NOTHING about politics in s'pore. actually the module is good in a sense i really do learn a lot more abt politics. but bad in a sense i'm horrible at writing such essays! ah well.

GPS IS OVER! that's what is most important right now.=) cos it's the module i'm most worried abt, though i always had the choice to s/u shud things go wrong.

oh management science was ok lar, except for one qn. decision tree analysis. i still dunno if i'm right or wrong. according to what ja and i analysed, my answer shud be accepted. but according t0 what most people's answers are, mine is damn off. so.....if i get an A, means my answer is right. if i get a B, i know what happened. haha cos i'm quite certain my other answers are right.=X

so i'm left with mkting and mno. TWO more. but both siao modules cos they're SOOO content intensive.

hai nvm. i'm more than halfway through!=)

everyone else is wrong; you're right

i'm FREAKING pissed now.

you seriously think you're right all the time? hello.

does raising your voice to prove a point make it more convincing? NO. everyone is entitled to their own views. raising your voice only makes you seem unreasonable. and by keeping quiet, people are NOT acknowledging that you're right. it's just cos there is SIMPLY no point in trying to argue further. the argument won't get anywhere, and i know will never ever do.

it's good to have your own stand on matters, cos most of the time i hate myself for having no stand. but please consider the argument from other points of view. there is a reason why there must always be a counterargument. yes you have your own stand, but does that mean other people's views are wrong? hello. a lot of things in the world are subjective. there's just too much grey areas in all things. and there are too many things that are wrong in the world. you think things are sooooo easily solved. no point in complaining so much seriously. the world doesnt just revolve around you.

it just seems to me that you're only capable of using fear power to drive your points across. people might be scared, but is it the right way of doing things?

and i cant stand it when i'm always the one at fault whenever an argument arises. so what if his temper is bad, do we all have to accomodate and be the one who gives in all the time? small signals asking me to stop will only make me more pissed off. and you dare to come ask me not to argue with him anymore. so it's MY fault?!

trust me, you're just spoiling him.

it's never easy to make me so pissed off. and i'm REALLY damn pissed off right now. i'm so sick of being on the receiving end of all your nonsense. there's always a limit to someone's tolerance.

you know how hard it is to always remain so neutral and mild, because you're always on the losing end.

i feel like a volcano about to erupt anytime. there are just too much pent-up emotions. not expressing anything doesnt mean i'm fine with everything, it's just that i'm always the one swallowing my pride and my emotions.

now, it seems like crying is the only way to vent my anger and frustrations.

what a way to make me not feel like mugging anymore. and exams start tmr.

just cos of YOU.

small update...

just thought i should at least update a little before i go to sleep today.

as usual, last few days i've been mugging, slightly more hardworking than last week. but for the last 3 days, i've been mugging mno. TONS of things to read lar. lecture notes + case studies + readings + videos + textbook + cheat sheet. tell me how to finish. i did mno for 3 days and i only finished 4 topics. omg. my cheat sheet doesnt even have space for font size 5 stuff. gosh.

it's a sudden realisation that mno has TOO much things to study that made me start on it. sort of abandoning my gps already, which is bad - using my s/u option too early. hai.

today was quite exciting though. after staying home for two days (which surprisingly turned out to be a lot more productive than i thought it'd be with all the distractions) i finally headed to school today. started watching all the videos that were showed during our lectures. who moved my cheese is SOOO cute!! then we watched deep dive, fish!, twelve angry men and charlie chaplin. 12 angry men was REALLY good. though i couldnt really hear what they were saying at some times and it was filmed dunno how many decades ago and there was only one location in the whole movie, it was rather inspirational. very different from our usual idea of a movie.

dinner with farah dong alex andy was hilarious. sort of made my day end off on a better note.=)

2 more days before ms starts. jiayou man. hopefully mugging at home would be productive. i need to save money too!!!=X

but come to think of it, i really have NO plans at all during the holidays. dunno what i'll be doing. prob some meetings and gatherings here and there (stardust, ia, council, 6h, ahsayuni), but there isnt any big activity that i'm currently looking forward to. so tragic.=X dun like the feeling of being useless and doing nothing somehow. want to work to earn some money but yet it's too short a time. hmm.....

and HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY CHERRY! just thought i shud wish you here as well.=) you're finally 19!=) if i wasnt mugging for exams, i'd have tried to ask you out man.=P heh.

mug

mugging mugging mugging

fri: school
sat: school
sun: coffee bean
mon: starbucks
tues: school

see how i attempted to study somewhere not in school but failed miserably? that shud tell you about my mugging rate these days.=X

one word: bad

not that i havent been trying. it's just toooooo slow.

and i haven started on mno

gps is gone case

i only finished two Ps of mkt

econs ok except i haven started on market structure

ms i'm not too worried.

exams are in one-week's time.

ah well.

even with exams, some rather dramatic stuff happened. quite a good test for me.

it's good finding someone who listens and i can be truthful with.

i'm looking forward to 5th dec - not mno but AFTER it.

happy for juniors cos they're almost done with As! i couldnt imagine how happy i was one year ago.

i shall go sleep. hopefully mugging will be more successful in the next few days.

i still have expectations to meet, whether others' or my own.

replies to tags

i got a shock when i came to my blog just now. i feel so loved!=) thank you people!!

anw i shall reply to the tags here.

ja: i think you're one of the most avid readers of my blog! heh. or at least you respond to what i write the most. anw i think you're right that i do join things for the sense of achievement and for the interaction with friends. but like i still dunno my final destination, where i should be heading. like i'm just taking on stuff for practical reasons (that i know it'll help me somewhere someday). ah well. and nah your mum wont think you're mad lar! she'll be more than happy. but sad thing is, i am much more stingy when it comes to hugging my family than my friends. so i never do it.

jun: yeah i miss your presence in singapore. miss doing all sorts of things with you - cycling, shopping or just chatting. please be happy there too k! and pls dun hate not being there for any of us! cos i know you are still very much concerned about your friends here even though you're so far away. looking forward to your call!=D

jess: yeah my posts are either emo or descriptive. cant help it lar, my writing style is like that. my life ain't interesting, and i dun take photos all the time.=X but i'm already glad you read it once in a while! and yes a nice sincere hug ALWAYS helps! =D but btw i'm not exactly sad when i'm writing the entries. you know how blogs always exaggerate your feelings when you're not exactly THAT happy or sad.

cynli: you're seriously amusing! i laughed so much in front of my comp when i read your tag. heh. anw i'm happy that you actually tagged in the midst of your mugging (so qiao, everybody tagged at almost the same time!). and i think your guess is half-right. i shall verify with you soon.=P jiayou for your exams!

having two meetings later. madness can. but quite a good time-off from mugging. but my rate of mugging is so slow i doubt i can cover everything in less than two weeks.=X ah well..

and farah sent me to school today! on her own! i'm so privileged.=P heh. i might not need to buy concession from next sem onwards.=P cheapskate rite. haha.

and i hate it when i cant eat prob since i just tightened my braces ytd. argh.

when was the last time you...

when was the last time you had a real good laugh...

when was the last time you looked into the sky and smiled...

when was the last time you looked at your mum and noticed the few more wrinkles she has..

when was the last time you gave someone a real warm hug...

when was the last time you cooked for someone you love..

when was the last time you gave yourself a little pat on your back...

when was the last time you looked into the mirror and liked what you see..

when was the last time you liked yourself for who you are..

i wanna see what a child see..

feel what they feel..

the innocence we have lost..

the world we sometimes forget..

love yourself for who you are..

and never forget the simple happiness we all have in us..

the first bite of ice cream..

the burst of rainbow in the sky..

the one hug we miss...

we should be happy..
___________________________________________________

i think so much more when i'm alone. i'll start to think of the past (whether happy or sad or blurry memories), the present and the future. i'll start to think of the 'what ifs'.

and sometimes, in the midst of all these thoughts, i'll start to question my own existence again.

i suppose my life has been smooth thus far; never had any real setbacks, just small regrets that keep coming back to me. i suppose i have had my share of nice friendships (though i just keep destroying somemore, whether consciously or sub-consciously). i suppose i do have the freedom to do a lot of things on my own (though sometimes i really want to have that bit of restriction to control myself or even to share my life with another person or even wish that there are people doing things for me). i suppose my financial situation is in a comfortable position (though there are times i really wish my parents earn a lot more than they do now). i suppose i have quite a nice family (with many many problems such that there are times i just dun wish to go home but i can still say my family members are rather supportive).

at 19++ and reaching 20 in a few months' time, sometimes i wish i can achieve more and challenge myself more and experience more stuff. there are just too many things that i hope i can experience but it seems like everything's still so far away.

sometimes i also dunno what the hell i'm doing some stuff for. i feel like i'm doing a lot of things for the sake of doing, not knowing why and for whom i'm doing them. a lost sheep? maybe. i'm just moving forward with no clear direction as to my final destination. and a lot of times, i feel like i'm moving alone. yes i'm scared of being alone most of the time. there are times, like on bus journeys, when i wish i could be alone, but there are other times when i wish i could have company all the time. it seems like i become a lot 'stronger' psychologically when i'm with friends. i do derive a lot of strength from the presence of my friends.

but i also realise how so many of my friendships are just tied with a very thin line, when pulled, this line can be so easily broken. there are also many whereby it seems that i treasure the friendships a lot more than the other party that it becomes tiring trying to maintain it. after a while, i just give up. boils down to expectations i suppose, i guess i just take an ultra long time to build a strong friendship.and even if i want to, doesnt necessarily mean the other person wants to. takes two hands to clap i guess.

i wonder why sometimes i can take so long to decide if i want to add a particular person on facebook, thinking about whether the person still remembers me.

and i dun exactly like myself for keeping all my emotions within myself, and just waiting for things to happen instead of making things happen.

sometimes i wonder if i am an easily pleased person. like i'm very happy when someone does something nice for me, no matter how small the act is. but seems like there are expectations as well for some other people. i suppose it goes down to the sincerity aspect as well. and for me, i think i see a lot of things as very important indications of the level of closeness, but to others, the very same things dun even represent anything.

well, everyone is different i suppose. and i think i shouldnt think of so many things and have such high expectations, cos in the end, it's the expectations that lead to the disappointment. and sometimes it's so hard to find someone whom i can connect with. many convos end up in silence after a while, and i'm just trying hard to find topics to talk about.

you know i do admire people for being able to lead a life without thinking so much, without caring about so many things. cos i just can't do that. everything i do is controlled by my self-awareness. jess ja cynli know this very well.

this is what happens when i stay at home the whole day, attempting to mug and as a result thinking of such stuff. wanted to go ja's place but parents wanted me to be at home. got to drive for a short while just now but i just can't park still.

jay chou's new cd is good. a lot of simple songs, like those love songs with minimal bian qu, but still touching nevertheless. love tian tian de, cai hong, pu gong ying de yue ding, zui chang de dian ying and even niu zai hen mang such a rubbish song is quite nice to listen to as well. sent the whole album to cai, then some songs to bonkie. wonder if i should go for jay's concert. i need money!!

finished watching hei tang ma qi duo. quite a trashy show, but still addictive. bang bang tang is quite funny in there. i think i still like those emo guys who think and care a lot for others but rarely show emotions. not necessarily in real life though, cos i have never really come across such a guy. even if i did, i'm always not close to such a person.

sorry for such a length post. and congrats if you actually do read till here. sometimes i wonder who actually read all my posts cos they are just so long. and even who actually visit my blog other than those who tag since it was meant to be a private blog until i decided to put the link on facebook. ah well.

jun i really miss you!

and it's already halfway through As! hope everyone is coping well.=)

i wonder if i should send that sms. hmm...

stardust!

another week has just passed once again. it was quite an exciting week though. heh.

mno video was submitted and that marked the end of all my projects! didn't really make me feel like starting on my own revision and stuff like that though. our video got rather positive comments so i was quite happy about it.=) and i pasted the link for jun! and she said it was real funny.=P

oh and i went for dental appt on mon. now my top and bottom teeth on the right are connected by rubber bands.=X so mafan lar. every morning and night time have to keep changing. then the bands keep snapping in my mouth. but i've more or less gotten used to it. luckily the next appt is going to be in 1 1/2 weeks time.

drove to school on thurs morning cos mum went to vietnam so the car was free. it was rather scary with the number of cars in the morning. experienced many jams along the way. but it was a good experience. forgot to check mirror when i changed lanes at times, but other than that, bro said the scariest part was me getting out of the multi storey carpark. but cos of the detours and the jams, i ended up late for my mkting tutorial so in the end i escaped the parking part.=X

i think bro prob is enjoying the use of the car now. tragic that after passing my test for so long, i still cant get the opportunity to drive much. hai.

had our very first stardust meeting on thurs. quite a lot of people in the comm, and the budget is quite huge that i'm slightly afraid of being the treasurer. i mean after all i've only been handling small sums of money in ia. and well i basically only know meryl in the whole comm, so i haven worked with the bulk of the people. i'm quite certain the working styles will definitely be very different esp since this is the first time i'm organising a nationwide competition that is related to the arts scene. i'm just a lil afraid of segregation in the comm cos i think i'm quite different from most of the comm members. and i'm expecting the rest of the comm to be a lil on the arty farty side. ah well. it'll prob be a very good experience, and at the same time a challenge for me.

some of the seniors were actually wondering why i wanted to join stardust. made me a lil worried as a result. cos they said the cap of the people who were involved dropped by a whole lot. but like i said, i shud treat it as a challenge and continue to push myself beyond the jc crazy levels so that i can truly learn and achieve more. i'm so relaxed this sem that i totally didn't get anything out of it. like everything is still within my comfort zone. and how i've been spending all my time staring at this laptop and dling variety shows.=X

after my stardust meeting which ended rather late, i went over to the central forum to help the stompaids people set up for their event. ended up going home at 4am cos there were just endless amount of stuff to do. at least farah and i who were not in the team got to go home and get a good rest. i think most of the team didnt even get to sleep. ah well. when it's your own event you're handling, somehow you just feel an extra adrenaline rush whenever you require that kind of energy.

friday was stompaids AAAxperience itself. farah and i reached at around 11 plus. the crowd was unexpectedly more than normal fridays it seemed. but it was good lar. for such a big event, i think the running of it was not bad. and seemed like most people enjoyed the event.

stardust the movie was good! loads of humour and the lines are quite well-crafted. some parts got a little draggy with the introduction of too many characters, but for a fantasy movie, it was really good already. too bad the whole group cant be there. but farah and i really enjoyed the movie.

dinner with the stompaids people. great pizzas at modesto (i think that's how you spell it!=X). few of the best pizzas i've ever eaten already. and dinner was free cos it was a treat by the stompaids people.=) ever since i ran out of money from tuition, i've been really broke. argh.

slacking today once again. tmr is out with pong ja cynli if i'm not wrong. time to start on revision!

some photos before i end off.

to celebrate dong's bday!


farah and i!=)


the 3 of us!


the group of us who were at michael's place to celebrate dong and farah's bdays. it's so far away cos it was taken by timer.=X

time to get back to work!=)