我最深爱的人伤我却是最深
进退我无权选择
- 最爱的人伤我最深
suddenly thought of this song by 张雨生 and 张惠妹.
suddenly thought of my family, you and you.
why do things that matter to me do not matter to all of you at all?
why can i only stand at one corner and envy things that others have?
why did you just leave me hanging in the air without saying anything?
why do the people i care about always leave me disappointed?
tons of people have told me not to impose such expectations on myself and others, but i just can't control my emotions.
that's why i rather not feel any emotions.
sometimes i wonder why i try so hard. for things that will never come to me, for some acknowledgment of effort that seem to be only determined by monetary incentives, for some simple appreciation of friendships, for relationships that never seem to be realised.
it hurts, dun you know? and dun get me wrong, the 'you' represents a lot of people.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
i need to study!
courtesy of vivien.=) i totally agree: black rose is love...
some photo update for our one-night stay in a backpacker hostel.
ja and i on their beds!
us at bk after sending ivy off!
three of us!
what a HUGE donut near marcus' house! couldnt resist cam-whoring with it. haha!
HAHA!
it's like total blackness but it's not!
heh so cute rite!
jess would love this photo. it looks totally wrong lar. like some edison chen photo. HAHA!
decided to take a normal shot before we went to sleep.
maybe i've sorted out my feelings for you, slowly, but surely. it always takes time.
nothing really happened this recess week lar. i was just DAMN slack. and as always, i realised how little time i have left before all the mid-terms. jialat!
i'm going for the f1 qualifying race tmr!! exciting! (i feel damn bad gotta change meeting ja jess cynli though. sigh)
I REALLY NEED TO MUG! spread me some motivation man...
nothing really happened this recess week lar. i was just DAMN slack. and as always, i realised how little time i have left before all the mid-terms. jialat!
i'm going for the f1 qualifying race tmr!! exciting! (i feel damn bad gotta change meeting ja jess cynli though. sigh)
I REALLY NEED TO MUG! spread me some motivation man...
Monday, September 22, 2008
wonderful start to recess week
there are some shocking realisations today:
1. yet another close friend is attached
i've been getting lots of good news from my friends these days. i think people's 桃花运 these days is rather 旺. then it makes me wonder, when will my turn come? or will it never? on one hand, you're happy for them (yet a bit sad that it's 后知后觉), on the other hand, it makes you keep reflecting upon yourself.
2. my dad knows how to sms (like finally!)
i was watching superband with my mum when she received a sms. when i saw that it was from my dad, i got a shock. and even more shocking was the content: 'ta ma de long waiting time'. (he was waiting at the clinic) now you know why i'm so crude with my words huh.
3. 大风吹 in superband consists of two lwssom people! and one of them was the stardust judge for auditions
haha no wonder i found them REALLY familiar. kept trying to recall why. my mum fell asleep while watching the show then when i finally figured out why they looked so familiar, i shouted 'OH!!!' and totally scared my mum. HAHA!
went to a backpacker's hostel which was the service company my group chose for our service operations project. nv knew much about a backpacker's hostel, so was actually quite apprehensive about it. like i was imagining cockroaches coming out of nowhere etc. but surprisingly, it was REALLY a very nice place. air-conditioned, with clean toilets and with heaters. took TONS of photos of the place. after seeing the place, i really dun feel like staying in another budget hostel.=X
and anw, the highlight of this post was to talk about BLACK ROSE's bbq at daryk's house last night!
after discussing so much on fb, a party finally came true (though not with school uniforms). but nonetheless, it's always amusing with BR people. i never fail to enjoy myself thoroughly with them, with no trace of pretence. i'm seriously still am very proud of them, and really, i wonder how my year 2 life would be like without them.
girls are sweet, know how to cook (nice cookies and brownies and pie!), thoughtful, everything you can think of! guys are sensitive (yes they are ALL more sensitive than MOST guys i know), kind, respectful, sincere, etc. and i'm totally not exaggerating. i dun usually praise people, but these people are probably the best mix of people you can have in any og. plus they really care about each other whether in terms of studies, other commitments like bizad club, or like health, everything.
i was shocked when hsien told me they are celebrating brent and amelia's bdays. cos for one, usually i'm the one taking note of bdays, and two, it was a guy who kept track of the bdays. it wasn't easy searching for the presents, but we certainly had a lot of fun doing so.
the girls on daryk's bed!
girls again!=) sherlyn gave our surprise party away lor...
the guys!
and a group shot! 22/25 people turned up! amazing attendance i must say.
it was REALLY hilarious when we passed amelia and brent their bdays. brent took his paper bag, so we asked them to open up their presents. he took two perfume testers out, then posed with them. so we asked him to unwrap his present, and he said, 'that's all.' well well, it turned out that while looking at their presents in daryk's room, amelia suddenly turned up and in a rush, hsien went to put his present into some drawer! then when johnson went to get the present, he didn't check and just grabbed the paper bag. OMG i laughed until almost peng-ed can.
a rafflesian shot! (minus ellen and kelly and kenneth)
then all of us squeezed into daryk's room and played some chicken backside/neh neh pok game. basically we just can't laugh no matter what people said. surprisingly i could contain my laughter quite well! (i'm not the same person who laughed 45 mins non-stop in rj!=P) not the case for luther and sherlyn though. heh. but seriously, desmond is SOOO good that it's REALLY DIFFICULT not to laugh. you can never ever predict what he'll say, so unexpected people will suddenly burst out laughing wan. you just have to be there to experience it.
in summary, I LOVE BLACK ROSE! i never felt so at ease with such a big group of people before, and the feeling's amazing.
i dunno if anyone (other than vivien) reads this blog, but yes, thanks to everyone in black rose for just being part of black rose.
(going to stay in one backpacker hotel tmr. a bit scared of that, but well, hope we get good stuff from there!)
1. yet another close friend is attached
i've been getting lots of good news from my friends these days. i think people's 桃花运 these days is rather 旺. then it makes me wonder, when will my turn come? or will it never? on one hand, you're happy for them (yet a bit sad that it's 后知后觉), on the other hand, it makes you keep reflecting upon yourself.
2. my dad knows how to sms (like finally!)
i was watching superband with my mum when she received a sms. when i saw that it was from my dad, i got a shock. and even more shocking was the content: 'ta ma de long waiting time'. (he was waiting at the clinic) now you know why i'm so crude with my words huh.
3. 大风吹 in superband consists of two lwssom people! and one of them was the stardust judge for auditions
haha no wonder i found them REALLY familiar. kept trying to recall why. my mum fell asleep while watching the show then when i finally figured out why they looked so familiar, i shouted 'OH!!!' and totally scared my mum. HAHA!
went to a backpacker's hostel which was the service company my group chose for our service operations project. nv knew much about a backpacker's hostel, so was actually quite apprehensive about it. like i was imagining cockroaches coming out of nowhere etc. but surprisingly, it was REALLY a very nice place. air-conditioned, with clean toilets and with heaters. took TONS of photos of the place. after seeing the place, i really dun feel like staying in another budget hostel.=X
and anw, the highlight of this post was to talk about BLACK ROSE's bbq at daryk's house last night!
after discussing so much on fb, a party finally came true (though not with school uniforms). but nonetheless, it's always amusing with BR people. i never fail to enjoy myself thoroughly with them, with no trace of pretence. i'm seriously still am very proud of them, and really, i wonder how my year 2 life would be like without them.
girls are sweet, know how to cook (nice cookies and brownies and pie!), thoughtful, everything you can think of! guys are sensitive (yes they are ALL more sensitive than MOST guys i know), kind, respectful, sincere, etc. and i'm totally not exaggerating. i dun usually praise people, but these people are probably the best mix of people you can have in any og. plus they really care about each other whether in terms of studies, other commitments like bizad club, or like health, everything.
i was shocked when hsien told me they are celebrating brent and amelia's bdays. cos for one, usually i'm the one taking note of bdays, and two, it was a guy who kept track of the bdays. it wasn't easy searching for the presents, but we certainly had a lot of fun doing so.
the girls on daryk's bed!
girls again!=) sherlyn gave our surprise party away lor...
the guys!
and a group shot! 22/25 people turned up! amazing attendance i must say.
it was REALLY hilarious when we passed amelia and brent their bdays. brent took his paper bag, so we asked them to open up their presents. he took two perfume testers out, then posed with them. so we asked him to unwrap his present, and he said, 'that's all.' well well, it turned out that while looking at their presents in daryk's room, amelia suddenly turned up and in a rush, hsien went to put his present into some drawer! then when johnson went to get the present, he didn't check and just grabbed the paper bag. OMG i laughed until almost peng-ed can.
a rafflesian shot! (minus ellen and kelly and kenneth)
then all of us squeezed into daryk's room and played some chicken backside/neh neh pok game. basically we just can't laugh no matter what people said. surprisingly i could contain my laughter quite well! (i'm not the same person who laughed 45 mins non-stop in rj!=P) not the case for luther and sherlyn though. heh. but seriously, desmond is SOOO good that it's REALLY DIFFICULT not to laugh. you can never ever predict what he'll say, so unexpected people will suddenly burst out laughing wan. you just have to be there to experience it.
in summary, I LOVE BLACK ROSE! i never felt so at ease with such a big group of people before, and the feeling's amazing.
i dunno if anyone (other than vivien) reads this blog, but yes, thanks to everyone in black rose for just being part of black rose.
(going to stay in one backpacker hotel tmr. a bit scared of that, but well, hope we get good stuff from there!)
Friday, September 19, 2008
let me get out of my shell
today somehow isn't my day. it's not a matter of bad things happening to me, it's a matter of having super fluctuating emotions throughout the day.
now i understand why my parents never liked my bro to scold vulgarities, cos even i myself am getting quite irritated with it.
you know i really dunno what's the problem. yes i'm used to it, used to all the vulgarities, the throwing and breaking of stuff, the arguments that nv seem to get anywhere, the fear that one day i have to stop a fight in public. but it never fails to get on my nerves, cos i'll wonder why i'm facing such problems.
i remember i've been physically abused since young by my maid. forced to drink milk that i vomitted, knelt on non-slip mats for hours cos i was being naughty, blamed for loss of money, etc. i never retaliated, nor talked to my parents about it cos i was warned not to.
i remember having to give in to my bro all the time. if he wanted to play soccer, then i had to play with him. i remember sacrificing my allowance to pay for broken glass that i didn't break. i remember fighting (literally) with him and always ended up losing and crying. i remember myself always being laughed at for not being able to talk properly and being clumpsy.
as i grow older, i remember always having to be the mediator between dad and bro. i remember myself always crying when my bro cried. i remember being damn scared of my bro that i told my frens not to say anything in his presence. i remember being so fearful that i dun even dare to do anything wrong.
and more recently, i remember how conversations totally stopped between dad and i. i remember how i always notice my mum's biasness and unfair treatment and get totally upset with it. i remember always having listen to things like 'my life is meaningless' and equivalent statements. i remember having to apologise to people for my bro's loss of control. i remember crying in the bus cos my bro threatened to bash my friend.
i think it's because of constant fear under such authoritative figure that there's always a suppression of emotions. of cos as i grew older, i spoke up more and stood up for my own opinions. but i think such environment since young made me really scared of authority and most of the time unwilling to challenge it. maybe it's cos of all these things that made me very aware of things happening around me. if trouble is brewing, i'd most likely be the first person to notice it. when people are angry, i probably wont even be scared. when people scold vulgarities, i'd take it as being normal.
you know i wonder whether it's because of such environment that i became such a boyish character. i'm always getting influenced by my bro, and it doesn't help that there's no feminine character in my house that i can take after (my mum is totally not feminine). learning how to self-defend, learning to be independent since young, learning to be street-smart. i never liked relying on others and never liked appearing vulnerable to others even though i am a very paranoid person. i never learned a cultured way of growing up, but instead was exposed to a very heartlander lifestyle while studying in elistist schools. in fact, i think i live in a very closed environment cos i am afraid of venturing out. i have a rather narrow view of the world i think.
and maybe it's because of this upbringing that i am a very conservative person. one thing that arose today was how i think if you promise someone to do something, pls do it. i'm someone who, if you say something that you want to do but end up not doing it, i'll probably point it out to you or remember it for a really long time.
one reason why i'm so pissed today is because of a failure of a certain someone in keeping promises. if you can't do it, at least tell others to do it. dun just keep it to yourself and let the entire matter drag on and on. you know it gets on my nerves when i can't even communicate properly with you and i'm getting totally pissed off whenever i see you. that's not the way to go man.
this happens when you have nothing else to keep you occupied. recess week is here and i'm feeling absolutely no motivation to do my work, but yet, there's also nothing to do online, and i dun want to start watching any shows cos i'm afraid i can't stop when i start. so i end up thinking too much, and feeling down for no good reason at all.
i broke my bro's man utd cup just now. and that triggered a breaking-down cos of things that occurred today. somehow, i always can't control my tears, but these tears are never seen by anyone. i prefer concern that comes to me genuinely (yes i am a very skeptical person and i know that).
now i understand why my parents never liked my bro to scold vulgarities, cos even i myself am getting quite irritated with it.
you know i really dunno what's the problem. yes i'm used to it, used to all the vulgarities, the throwing and breaking of stuff, the arguments that nv seem to get anywhere, the fear that one day i have to stop a fight in public. but it never fails to get on my nerves, cos i'll wonder why i'm facing such problems.
i remember i've been physically abused since young by my maid. forced to drink milk that i vomitted, knelt on non-slip mats for hours cos i was being naughty, blamed for loss of money, etc. i never retaliated, nor talked to my parents about it cos i was warned not to.
i remember having to give in to my bro all the time. if he wanted to play soccer, then i had to play with him. i remember sacrificing my allowance to pay for broken glass that i didn't break. i remember fighting (literally) with him and always ended up losing and crying. i remember myself always being laughed at for not being able to talk properly and being clumpsy.
as i grow older, i remember always having to be the mediator between dad and bro. i remember myself always crying when my bro cried. i remember being damn scared of my bro that i told my frens not to say anything in his presence. i remember being so fearful that i dun even dare to do anything wrong.
and more recently, i remember how conversations totally stopped between dad and i. i remember how i always notice my mum's biasness and unfair treatment and get totally upset with it. i remember always having listen to things like 'my life is meaningless' and equivalent statements. i remember having to apologise to people for my bro's loss of control. i remember crying in the bus cos my bro threatened to bash my friend.
i think it's because of constant fear under such authoritative figure that there's always a suppression of emotions. of cos as i grew older, i spoke up more and stood up for my own opinions. but i think such environment since young made me really scared of authority and most of the time unwilling to challenge it. maybe it's cos of all these things that made me very aware of things happening around me. if trouble is brewing, i'd most likely be the first person to notice it. when people are angry, i probably wont even be scared. when people scold vulgarities, i'd take it as being normal.
you know i wonder whether it's because of such environment that i became such a boyish character. i'm always getting influenced by my bro, and it doesn't help that there's no feminine character in my house that i can take after (my mum is totally not feminine). learning how to self-defend, learning to be independent since young, learning to be street-smart. i never liked relying on others and never liked appearing vulnerable to others even though i am a very paranoid person. i never learned a cultured way of growing up, but instead was exposed to a very heartlander lifestyle while studying in elistist schools. in fact, i think i live in a very closed environment cos i am afraid of venturing out. i have a rather narrow view of the world i think.
and maybe it's because of this upbringing that i am a very conservative person. one thing that arose today was how i think if you promise someone to do something, pls do it. i'm someone who, if you say something that you want to do but end up not doing it, i'll probably point it out to you or remember it for a really long time.
one reason why i'm so pissed today is because of a failure of a certain someone in keeping promises. if you can't do it, at least tell others to do it. dun just keep it to yourself and let the entire matter drag on and on. you know it gets on my nerves when i can't even communicate properly with you and i'm getting totally pissed off whenever i see you. that's not the way to go man.
this happens when you have nothing else to keep you occupied. recess week is here and i'm feeling absolutely no motivation to do my work, but yet, there's also nothing to do online, and i dun want to start watching any shows cos i'm afraid i can't stop when i start. so i end up thinking too much, and feeling down for no good reason at all.
i broke my bro's man utd cup just now. and that triggered a breaking-down cos of things that occurred today. somehow, i always can't control my tears, but these tears are never seen by anyone. i prefer concern that comes to me genuinely (yes i am a very skeptical person and i know that).
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
bye jun!=(
i guess i shouldn't be too pissed when people dun reply. i can't impose such expectations on people, it's only going to make myself miserable. and of cos i can't deny that sometimes even i myself dun reply. ah well.
first finance quiz of the year. i only mugged for one day cos i was rushing tutorials before that. it was soooo pissifying cos the tutor didn't prepare enough hard copies of the quiz and we had to stare at the screen for MCQ questions! like wth. i was really angry lar. didn't help that the questions weren't easy, so as you panic, you still have to keep your eyes on the screen. @$#%$#@^^@%@#$%#@@
monday night - wanted to send jun off at the airport, then she told me the night before not to. she called me when i was at sushi tei with yowie, charles and xinling. then talked to her for a while only.=( another 10 months before we can meet again...blame myself for not spending enough time with her while she was here.
and this is the last week before recess week! time really flies, and it's scary. i need to start catching up on my work, do my projects, mug for mid-terms, etc.
bbq with BR on sunday!=D
first finance quiz of the year. i only mugged for one day cos i was rushing tutorials before that. it was soooo pissifying cos the tutor didn't prepare enough hard copies of the quiz and we had to stare at the screen for MCQ questions! like wth. i was really angry lar. didn't help that the questions weren't easy, so as you panic, you still have to keep your eyes on the screen. @$#%$#@^^@%@#$%#@@
monday night - wanted to send jun off at the airport, then she told me the night before not to. she called me when i was at sushi tei with yowie, charles and xinling. then talked to her for a while only.=( another 10 months before we can meet again...blame myself for not spending enough time with her while she was here.
and this is the last week before recess week! time really flies, and it's scary. i need to start catching up on my work, do my projects, mug for mid-terms, etc.
bbq with BR on sunday!=D
Monday, September 15, 2008
i mean it when i say 'pls reply'
i am SUPER pissed.
please have the courtesy to reply your emails or smses when people take the time and effort to send you, esp if it's already written 'PLS REPLY.'
you know when you dun reply, things cannot move on and end up getting dragged on and on, decisions can't be made. is it only me who feels a sense of urgency?!
i seriously think half my smses sent per month end up being un-replied. pls do not take anyone for granted, cos anyone will get pissed in such situations.
i know i cannot, and am in no position to be angry with anyone over this. but i'm really pissed off now. i can't just be the only one pushing for things to happen.
and if you think you know what i'm talking about, i dun think so.
i guess i've made a wrong decision (AGAIN).
please have the courtesy to reply your emails or smses when people take the time and effort to send you, esp if it's already written 'PLS REPLY.'
you know when you dun reply, things cannot move on and end up getting dragged on and on, decisions can't be made. is it only me who feels a sense of urgency?!
i seriously think half my smses sent per month end up being un-replied. pls do not take anyone for granted, cos anyone will get pissed in such situations.
i know i cannot, and am in no position to be angry with anyone over this. but i'm really pissed off now. i can't just be the only one pushing for things to happen.
and if you think you know what i'm talking about, i dun think so.
i guess i've made a wrong decision (AGAIN).
Sunday, September 14, 2008
nus-mitsubishi challenge!
before i start on mitsubishi challenge, let me post some photos that i took with the 25ths at a mini 25ths gathering to meet jun before she flies off on monday...it was a great lunch, with quite a lot of catching-up topics, and some sensitive questions asked (luckily the questions weren't directed at me. haha.)
the whole bunch of us at crystal jade!
jun!
bryon and jun outside frolick.
after meeting the 25ths at holland, i went back to school for agm, basically just to collect my colours award. but well, since i've been following the elections, might as well see thru the official handing over too. it's quite a good feeling to see all your juniors taking up such new roles in the school. got a silver award, which was probably better than what i expected, relative to what the rest got lar.
part of BR during agm...
friday...movie with hsien luther johnson daryk! hilarious cos they keep saying they're cai (vegetables), and i should be proud to be sitting with four cais. ah well. at least i got a lift home and didn't have to rush for mrt!=)
woke up at 5.15am the next morning for MITSUBISHI CHALLENGE! it was really a very cool experience, something that i probably wont join for many times in my entire life (it's good to try things out in uni, if not you won't get the chance already). we're supposed to complete 14 challenges from 8.30am to 6.30pm, travelling all around singapore, finding locations with clues that were given out to us. we managed to find out the exact location of each clue quite quickly, but we didn't really find out how to get to one stop to another, so we took relatively longer time in the longer routes taken, stuck in jams, etc.
us with our car at the starting point!
flag off was at around 8.30am. we went by south buona vista road (the super windy road) to get to kent ridge park. on the way there, we saw this car from the challenge that had skidded and went right into the trees, stuck beside a huge drain and with the jungle on their left. basically, they could only get out from one side of the car cos the other side's stuck. we totally got a shock when we saw the mess they were in, but luckily none was injured. we got totally scared and paranoid after that cos the roads were SUPER slippery.
the photography challenge on top of kent ridge park after the windy road
we went big splash after that. tried this game called tank warfare in which 3 of us were supposed to manoevre(i dunno how to spell!) our tank to shoot at the tank of the worker. i was really tyco to have gotten our team the full points cos his tank was stuck. HAHA!
us figuring out how to use the remote properly.
2nd stop was at national stadium in which we failed at our task. was supposed to drive a mitsubishi colt around cones. basically we just took too much time. haha. 5 mins 56 sec when the time limit was 5 mins. haha.
after that, we went to orchirdville to do another vehicular challenge, in which we were supposed to push a car together and get around cones again. that was quite simple lar i guess, just that i think we wasted too much time at the start familiarising.
4th stop was at some place called the bottletree park in which we were supposed to catch small fishes from a pond. that was fine too, just that dealing with living things seemed a little gross at that point of time. i didn't even know bottletree existed.=X
5th stop was at punggol. that challenge was fine cos basically you're supposed to stack up some tyres at the back of the car, then the driver was supposed to drive thru this route that was bumpy at some parts. trick was just to drive very slowly. we got full marks for this!
6th stop was at bishan park for frost shock! supposed to count exact amount of coins that were hidden in this container of ice (which was ultra cold). our hands couldn't feel for a while after the station lar..cos it was simply too cold!
after that we went to this mitsubishi showroom (which we were totally late for but the station mistress didn't check) which took us hell long to find. the challenge was just like daytona lar.
went to mount faber after that for another photography challenge!
jane at the bridge!
bukit chandu...just supposed to fill up this questionaire which answers were found within this museum thing. that was quite ok. met daryk and kelly there!
sunset way after that to eat spicy ice cream which was quite weird. but well, it's free!=D
snow city! we were supposed to lock arms to slide down this slope while sitting on tyres! the thing was, we stepped into the snow area without wearing jacket! and it was REALLY super cold!=X got an abrasion, but it's fine of cos.=)
and after that was the extreme swing! was quite scared at first... we were too 'hum' to take the reverse bungee in which you were supposed to shoot up. not like the swing was fine, but at least there's no initial shock from the release. the swing was just like free fall, cos when they tilted us, we were like facing the ground! 50m above the ground leh. screamed for the sake of screaming too. haha. photos!
our team!
us on the swing...
us high up!
went east coast to do some parking practice, while dialing a phone number. and when we thought we were still early, the roads we went by just had to jam.
luckily we reached the ending place on time to submit our scorecard...and the buffet dinner was quite good! we wonder how our money could have contributed to such extravagence. haha!
our team sticker at the front of the car!
we went to wash the car before returning the (gangster) car to its owner. and then it's home sweet home! a long but really exciting experience!=D
now...to catch up on my tutorials, projects and study for finance quiz...=( one more week to mid-term break!
now...to catch up on my tutorials, projects and study for finance quiz...=( one more week to mid-term break!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
the inner emotions speaking
下雨天 - 南拳妈妈 (Lara)
下雨天了怎么办 我好想你
不敢打给你 我找不到原因
什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景 做你的代替
陪我听雨滴
期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累
怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴
其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉
期待让人越来越疲惫
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累
怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴
其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉
怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴
其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉
this song has been on loop ever since i heard it. it's those kind of song in which the lyrics just cut through your heart, and suddenly you find yourself thinking back and relating to the song. and somehow, lara just has this ability to sing right to your heart.
there's just this story that floats in my mind everytime i look at the lyrics. just a girl, yearning for love, for a relationship, for something that seems so hard to get. she tries to get the attention of the guy, but is unsuccessful. being alone is tiring, and falling for a person who doesn't like you is even more tiring.
i always wonder if being loved or loving someone is better.
下雨天了怎么办 我好想你
不敢打给你 我找不到原因
什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景 做你的代替
陪我听雨滴
期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累
怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴
其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉
期待让人越来越疲惫
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累
怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴
其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉
怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴
其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉
this song has been on loop ever since i heard it. it's those kind of song in which the lyrics just cut through your heart, and suddenly you find yourself thinking back and relating to the song. and somehow, lara just has this ability to sing right to your heart.
there's just this story that floats in my mind everytime i look at the lyrics. just a girl, yearning for love, for a relationship, for something that seems so hard to get. she tries to get the attention of the guy, but is unsuccessful. being alone is tiring, and falling for a person who doesn't like you is even more tiring.
i always wonder if being loved or loving someone is better.
screwed up
i'm seriously super pissed off with myself. how could i just screw up the interview like that? i really really hate myself. maybe my mapp analysis is accurate. i'm probably not good at management level, i rather be someone under someone else's management. i can't go high-up in any organisation, simply because i totally cannot present myself well enough. however much people say about me, however much i try to prove to myself that i can do it, i still suck at speaking and presenting myself.
maybe i was unprepared, maybe i was just too complacent, whatever it was, i really did screw up the interview. i really doubt there's a chance for me in getting the award, cos when i stepped out of the room, the people i saw were people who prob did the same as me, BUT they're certainly much better at presentation and interview skills. i've always felt inferior about myself, and this is totally not helping at all.
sometimes when my freshies say things like, 'aiya deans lister, dun be humble lar. you so zai....', i soo feel like telling them, 'i'm not as zai as you think i am. i really really suck.' they told me today before i went for my interview, 'aiya you dun even need to dress well, just go there anyhow say things also can get the award.' it's flattering, but it's totally not the truth!
maybe i havent been thinking about what i really want out of uni, and what i want to be after uni. i guess i've been overestimating myself. i keep thinking, what should i do this sem? and i can't answer myself. the career counsellor asked me, 'have you been going for career talks? i dun remember seeing you at all.' i know i haven't been proactive enough, haven't really taken the effort to test out what i'm really interested in and have a goal to work towards. but there's just no motivation to do so!
and good and bad things seem to come in pairs. good is that i just got an email confirming that i'm in deans list last sem, but bad, cos i just screwed up an interview that would have made my parents proud, and proved them wrong.
i'm really having this bad feeling about this semester. i know i've been saying this in my previous few entries, but yes, history's repeating, as much as i hate to admit it. i need to get myself back onto the right track, and stop doing unnecessary things just to bluff myself.
maybe i was unprepared, maybe i was just too complacent, whatever it was, i really did screw up the interview. i really doubt there's a chance for me in getting the award, cos when i stepped out of the room, the people i saw were people who prob did the same as me, BUT they're certainly much better at presentation and interview skills. i've always felt inferior about myself, and this is totally not helping at all.
sometimes when my freshies say things like, 'aiya deans lister, dun be humble lar. you so zai....', i soo feel like telling them, 'i'm not as zai as you think i am. i really really suck.' they told me today before i went for my interview, 'aiya you dun even need to dress well, just go there anyhow say things also can get the award.' it's flattering, but it's totally not the truth!
maybe i havent been thinking about what i really want out of uni, and what i want to be after uni. i guess i've been overestimating myself. i keep thinking, what should i do this sem? and i can't answer myself. the career counsellor asked me, 'have you been going for career talks? i dun remember seeing you at all.' i know i haven't been proactive enough, haven't really taken the effort to test out what i'm really interested in and have a goal to work towards. but there's just no motivation to do so!
and good and bad things seem to come in pairs. good is that i just got an email confirming that i'm in deans list last sem, but bad, cos i just screwed up an interview that would have made my parents proud, and proved them wrong.
i'm really having this bad feeling about this semester. i know i've been saying this in my previous few entries, but yes, history's repeating, as much as i hate to admit it. i need to get myself back onto the right track, and stop doing unnecessary things just to bluff myself.
Monday, September 8, 2008
不完美
李玖哲 - 不,完美
你常常说 我很完美
你常常说 我很完美
没人能取代 我给的一切
我就以为 我努力更完美
我们 就会永远
完美并不美 我们多虚伪
你让我的好 变成一种罪
完美并不美 当你爱了谁
我的完美也只是 不完美
後来你说 我太完美
值得更好的 陪在我身边
你不是我 你怎么能体会
你有 多么珍贵
i haven't actually listened carefully to this song, but just thought the lyrics is quite nice. it's quite cool how the lyricist made use of the concept of 'perfection'. so is being perfect in a relationship really that good? is a perfect guy really the best guy for you? all depends on yourself ain't it.
if being too perfect is used as an excuse for break-up, then what really is perfection? i'd think perfection is defined very differently for each person. i guess a person can only be perfect if one chooses to disregard his or her flaws, or see the flaws as strengths, and i guess in a relationship, that always happens. can prob be known as the blinding effect of love. haha.
重蹈覆辙
很久没写华文的post了。 可能是因为会比较花时间吧， 而时间在这几个月可是稀有物品。
我真的有点讨厌自己这样心不在焉， 什么事都好像无法集中精神， 还可以花几个小时对着我的书本发呆。 这样下去，我真的不晓得会对我的学业造成什么样的影响， 只知道这影响一定不会是正面的。
我总觉得我真的担当不起‘偶像’这封号。 虽然我知道他们只是在开玩笑， 但压力总会有，况且我去年也考得不错的成绩，别人对我也自然而然产生特别的期许。 可我并不是像他人说得那么厉害啊！我已厌倦了， 总是试着掩饰自己的缺点， 为的只是不让别人失望。也许你会说我笨， 为什么我要活成别人眼中塑造的形象呢？我自己也无法回答， 只能说，我太在乎别人对我的看法了。
我总是小心翼翼的，不想让别人看穿， 也不允许自己流露自己自认丑陋的一面。 问题是， 我真的过于在乎别人眼中的自己，当这种在乎变成一种压力， 它就会在我脑里捣乱，一直占据着我的思想。 这是多么可怕的事啊！我真的很羡慕那些可以随心所欲的人， 好像做什么事情都没有后顾之忧， 多么自在。
我心里很矛盾， 历史终究还是重演了。 我很害怕面对心里的感觉， 因为我真的不想重蹈覆辙。只好让时间接管， 看看将来会有怎样的发展吧
我真的有点讨厌自己这样心不在焉， 什么事都好像无法集中精神， 还可以花几个小时对着我的书本发呆。 这样下去，我真的不晓得会对我的学业造成什么样的影响， 只知道这影响一定不会是正面的。
我总觉得我真的担当不起‘偶像’这封号。 虽然我知道他们只是在开玩笑， 但压力总会有，况且我去年也考得不错的成绩，别人对我也自然而然产生特别的期许。 可我并不是像他人说得那么厉害啊！我已厌倦了， 总是试着掩饰自己的缺点， 为的只是不让别人失望。也许你会说我笨， 为什么我要活成别人眼中塑造的形象呢？我自己也无法回答， 只能说，我太在乎别人对我的看法了。
我总是小心翼翼的，不想让别人看穿， 也不允许自己流露自己自认丑陋的一面。 问题是， 我真的过于在乎别人眼中的自己，当这种在乎变成一种压力， 它就会在我脑里捣乱，一直占据着我的思想。 这是多么可怕的事啊！我真的很羡慕那些可以随心所欲的人， 好像做什么事情都没有后顾之忧， 多么自在。
我心里很矛盾， 历史终究还是重演了。 我很害怕面对心里的感觉， 因为我真的不想重蹈覆辙。只好让时间接管， 看看将来会有怎样的发展吧
Sunday, September 7, 2008
i am such a coward
sometimes i wonder why i can't be direct. i can never be that upfront with my own feelings and emotions, and what i really think about stuff. you can say it's hypocritical, but i really dun mean to be like that. i'd rather say it's an inability to express my feelings and fear to let people know what i really feel. to me, it's a terrible feeling to be easily understood by people around me, unless that person is a close friend or special someone. that's why my msn nick is always in chinese pinyin. many people have asked why i dun choose to type in chinese instead, but i guess that's not the point. i dun want to be THAT easily understood like what i've said above.
and i've always disliked myself for not being able to step out of my own comfort zone drawn by myself. i never liked to take risks, never dared to do things that i'm not confident in. sometimes, this might actually be mistaken as a 'lazy' side to me, as in some of the commitments that i'd undertaken. but the truth is, i dun like to take up something and end up being criticised for it. i very much rather take up things that i can do well in. you might say it's an excuse, but the truth is, i'm scared.
sometimes i feel that i've really failed as a person. there's really something wrong with my ability to handle strangers. i can just stare at people i dunno and have completely no idea what to say to them. and i'm supposed to be in biz where networking is super important. i still havent overcome this psychological barrier since young. and i still have no idea why i have this problem. sigh.
having said the above, i must emphasise that i'm not feeling sad or what, i'm just reflecting. but i guess i'm a naturally pessimistic person lar, so this is actually quite normal. wall-e with yowie today was actually quite refreshing. the movie was super cute lar. and the fact that there wasn't a lot of dialogue actually makes the audience focus a lot more on the small details that happen.
i've wasted the whole weekend away. somehow, i've lost a lot of my motivation, and becoming a lot more distracted by the things happening around me. workload is getting heavier, but i seem to be slacking away. i seriously can't focus, or maybe i shud say i'm putting my focus on stuff that dun seem to be realised. i was staring at my textbook completely thinking about things not inside the book. this is really worrying. i dun want a repeat of history.
and i've always disliked myself for not being able to step out of my own comfort zone drawn by myself. i never liked to take risks, never dared to do things that i'm not confident in. sometimes, this might actually be mistaken as a 'lazy' side to me, as in some of the commitments that i'd undertaken. but the truth is, i dun like to take up something and end up being criticised for it. i very much rather take up things that i can do well in. you might say it's an excuse, but the truth is, i'm scared.
sometimes i feel that i've really failed as a person. there's really something wrong with my ability to handle strangers. i can just stare at people i dunno and have completely no idea what to say to them. and i'm supposed to be in biz where networking is super important. i still havent overcome this psychological barrier since young. and i still have no idea why i have this problem. sigh.
having said the above, i must emphasise that i'm not feeling sad or what, i'm just reflecting. but i guess i'm a naturally pessimistic person lar, so this is actually quite normal. wall-e with yowie today was actually quite refreshing. the movie was super cute lar. and the fact that there wasn't a lot of dialogue actually makes the audience focus a lot more on the small details that happen.
i've wasted the whole weekend away. somehow, i've lost a lot of my motivation, and becoming a lot more distracted by the things happening around me. workload is getting heavier, but i seem to be slacking away. i seriously can't focus, or maybe i shud say i'm putting my focus on stuff that dun seem to be realised. i was staring at my textbook completely thinking about things not inside the book. this is really worrying. i dun want a repeat of history.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
getting down to earth
school seems to have just started for me as i try to pia all the tutorials i have before i go for any lesson. i have to stop going for lessons without doing anything.
it kinda feels very fulfilling this week. case competition prelims is over (we even stayed over at junli's place to finish it)! my very first attempt at case, and i suppose it was a good experience. whether we get in or not, i guess at least we've put in the effort to make it good.
sometimes it's really not worth being so nice. it's not that i'm a nice person, it's just that i feel being nice often do not get recognised, and all it takes is one incident to change the impression of yourself in the eyes of others.
and i've learnt to keep my expectations low. i guess it's true that things come when you least expect it. but at other times, you can't NOT expect things. it's impossible to completely shut off your thoughts. i guess i just think too much.
mc results will be out tmr. i really really hope for the best for the BR people...
lovely bunch aren't they? can crowd in the middle of the canteen staring at hsien's macbook and taking photos.
sometimes i wonder what my year 2 life would be like without black rose. they totally change my uni life. i'm just afraid that all these will end soon. like REALLY afraid. i guess i'm just refusing to let go.
it kinda feels very fulfilling this week. case competition prelims is over (we even stayed over at junli's place to finish it)! my very first attempt at case, and i suppose it was a good experience. whether we get in or not, i guess at least we've put in the effort to make it good.
sometimes it's really not worth being so nice. it's not that i'm a nice person, it's just that i feel being nice often do not get recognised, and all it takes is one incident to change the impression of yourself in the eyes of others.
and i've learnt to keep my expectations low. i guess it's true that things come when you least expect it. but at other times, you can't NOT expect things. it's impossible to completely shut off your thoughts. i guess i just think too much.
mc results will be out tmr. i really really hope for the best for the BR people...
lovely bunch aren't they? can crowd in the middle of the canteen staring at hsien's macbook and taking photos.
sometimes i wonder what my year 2 life would be like without black rose. they totally change my uni life. i'm just afraid that all these will end soon. like REALLY afraid. i guess i'm just refusing to let go.
Monday, September 1, 2008
madness
the last few days have been crazy.
night before ibiza, went sentosa for preparation. slept for barely 3 hours. sunday was tuition cum case comp discussion from 7-11.30pm (we sat till we were the last customers at starbucks and they already dimmed all the lights to wait for us to leave). came home, decided to do some work, so read thru ma tb before sleeping at 3.30am. woke up at 7am to do ma tutorial, which i couldn't finish till 9.30am, and so cabbed to school for ais lecture.
and, to add on to the craziness, my group is staying over at jun's place tmr to finish up the case comp stuff. wow!
it's really a few days of madness can. but at least i'm happy with myself for being so determined to do proper work, for eg for the case comp as well as finishing my tutorial and going for lecture. it's not often that i'm this hardworking.
my stupid toe is TOTALLY not healing! still bleeding and pus-sing. DAMN gross can. my bro said it'll confirm drop off one day. sigh.
and i went to cut my hair today! finally with proper fringe, and with MUCH thinner hair that takes MUCH shorter time to dry.
night before ibiza, went sentosa for preparation. slept for barely 3 hours. sunday was tuition cum case comp discussion from 7-11.30pm (we sat till we were the last customers at starbucks and they already dimmed all the lights to wait for us to leave). came home, decided to do some work, so read thru ma tb before sleeping at 3.30am. woke up at 7am to do ma tutorial, which i couldn't finish till 9.30am, and so cabbed to school for ais lecture.
and, to add on to the craziness, my group is staying over at jun's place tmr to finish up the case comp stuff. wow!
it's really a few days of madness can. but at least i'm happy with myself for being so determined to do proper work, for eg for the case comp as well as finishing my tutorial and going for lecture. it's not often that i'm this hardworking.
my stupid toe is TOTALLY not healing! still bleeding and pus-sing. DAMN gross can. my bro said it'll confirm drop off one day. sigh.
and i went to cut my hair today! finally with proper fringe, and with MUCH thinner hair that takes MUCH shorter time to dry.
heh. and guess how much i paid for it! $2.80!!! YES YOU DIDN'T SEE WRONGLY! it's $2.80! HAHA!
ok i'm supposed to finish watching macro webcast, do my finance tutorial, then do research for case comp. looks like i'm not going to finish any cos i'm SUPER sleepy. sigh.
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