life is unpredictable.

i was a little shaken when i heard xu weilun was dead. i never watched her shows, nor even seen her on tv or anything, but somehow it's super saddening to hear of someone dying so early, of such an unfortunate event too. as cliched as it sounds, life is truly unpredictable. so many things can happen to anyone of us anytime.

ah well. finally i met jun! went to waste our time at the interview since i dragged her along, and we ended up eating seafood from lau pa sat. quite fun to just walk around shenton way at night. heh. but at least we managed to catch up and all that. though it was quite sad that we only managed to meet for 3 hours.

met xiu wen on the way to bishan mrt too! and talked quite a lot too.=D

work was extremely tiring today. i was asked to sit in to the meeting, which was better than researching, but at some points of the meeting, i was totally clueless cos i didn't know what they were talking about. but it became better eventually. hopefully work would be good for the coming week.=)

i'm tired, but dunno what me so tired.=X

tired.

if you dun want me to, i will not. and will never ever do it again. if having a relationship means the worsening of another relationship for you, i'm not going to care anymore. it's so tiring trying to predict your mood and make you happy all the time. from now on, i won't be a nuisance.

sometimes i wonder if i'm simply a wastage of resources. it doesn't seem like i have anything to contribute but yet i take so much. and if my only use is to do things for you, i wonder why i'm even here at all...

unforgettable experience

i relived that horrible horrible experience again.

so it's not just beer that can make me feel so terrible.

"on the way there, i wasnt even walking straight, and before i knew it, i fell to the floor and just laid there, semi-conscious. and when i realised i was lying on the floor, i got myself up and forced myself to the toilet again. but my eyesight was super blurred, that i almost banged into a wall, and i fell to the ground again. i dunno how long i stayed on the floor for both times, but i just knew that for the 2nd time, i was already right in front of the toilet. so i forced myself up again, and went into the toilet into one of the cubicles. then i just leaned against the wall and tried to recover myself. i dunno how long i spent in the toilet, but good thing i felt a lot better after that."

i typed this about my previous experience after drinking, and i thought then that it was beer that made me feel so shitty. today i realised that it isn't. the only difference was that i didn't faint this time round. maybe it's the sudden change in my body conditions. after so long of not exercising, the jog today was quite intensive, as the pace was even faster than the pace i'd normally run.

by the start of my second round [i ran around the perimeter of my neighbourhood], i already felt super drained, but continued nevertheless. so i thought i'd stop a distance away from my void deck, so i could recover while walking back. but when i stopped, i felt the same thing i felt the last time. as i stood there panting, my vision slowly blurred. when i tried to walk back, i could only see 5% of my normal vision. but i still tried to stumble back. and i was walking in zig-zag lines.

i squat on the pavement for a few times as i walked back, and i felt a lil disgusted by people who walked past me, stared at me but didn't even offer to help. [too bad i couldn't see their faces clearly=X]. actually, not that i really wanted them to help cos it'd be so maluating. that walk was the longest ever walk home man. when i finally struggled my way up to my house, my vision dropped to almost 0% as i walked into the house. i didn't want to worry my dad, so i just walked to my room based on how well i know my house. but too bad i underestimated the distance to my room, and i knocked my nose on the wall [ok i know how funny this sounds.=X]. and when i came into my room, i just fell to the ground, and i laid there for almost 10 mins trying to recover.

the whole thing lasted for almost half an hour i think. during the whole period, my vision was blurred, i was panting like mad, water was coming out of my ears, my head felt like it's being pressed on the sides with a force and it didn't help that my back was aching from the run. i didn't know whether to sit or not cos sitting after running isn't good, but yet i knew that if i didn't sit, i'd have collapsed, like last time. i can't imagine what would have happened if i chose to continue running. good thing for both times, nobody saw how lang bei i was, except for those people walking by.

i wonder how my plan of running every weekend is going to work now after this haunting expoerience. argh.

as i was looking for the stuff that i typed last time, i read through some of my entries some time back. and i realised that there seems to be this cycle of feelings that i'll experience. somehow, i'm back to last time when i felt the same way about friendships.

"how many frenships have i foolishly crushed for the past 18 years? now, i'm left stranded. no clear direction, and no one to guide me to where i wanna be, and where i'm best at. Friends whom i can really count on, to call when i need to confide, to msg when i'm happy, to cry to when i'm sad, all these without a need to feel paiseh, etc.

Sometimes it's not that i dun wanna open up, just cant find the right person at the right time with the right circumstance. Too often, when i need someone, there's nobody i feel like talking to. When i thought i found someone, the friendship just didnt last. Is it just me? Or does everyone face the same problem?"

haha ok a random comment. singapore just beat malaysia! my whole neighbourhood just screamed and i knew immediately that singapore won even though i didn't watch the match. but poor malaysian who missed that penalty.

life of a no-lifer.

just came back from a window shopping trip with my dad. actually it was more like he was shopping and i was just following him around. and the bad thing is that he goes into ALL the VCD shops and keeps looking around.=X so i was quite bored the whole time. but at least i got to go out! heh.

while we were walking around, someone called me and asked me to go for an interview for a part-time job. it's sort of a promoter job, for the launch of a new mineral water.=X i was really reluctant at first, cos if i had to do this outside of my current job, i'd probably be super tired the whole time. but then again, i haven't been doing anything other than my work for the past few weeks. and for me at least, it's probably a good training ground for me to learn how to speak up, how to persuade, and things like that. not bad an exposure. and pay is by assignment basis. i'm still suspicious though, but i'll see how it goes. good thing is that i can continue even when i stop my current job, and even when i start uni, so that means i'll still be able to earn some money. i sound so money-minded.=X

went to visit my cousin and my 3 months' old niece ytd. she's super cute! like one of the cutest ever babies i've come across. for the whole time we were there, probably about 45 mins, she didn't cry at all, she just kept looking around and smiling and making weird noises. and i took a lot of photos.=D

but behind all the smiles, i know my cousin hasn't had a good time. she's just ten years younger than my mum, and all this while in singapore, she has been living on her own, taking care of her daughter herself. she's not even married, and the father of the child is 14 years younger. she just left for US today, where the father is. when i saw her ytd, it seems like she has grown 10 years older since the last time i saw her, which was just about 2 years ago.

sometimes when i hear such stories, my heart will really ache. and at times like these, i question the idea of love. in my mind, i still yearn for an ideal relationship. but i wonder, are the things that i often imagine still possible in such times? i hear of so many failed relationships, and the heartbreaks that follow, i've seen so many people cry and mess up their lives because of failed relationships. i hear of so many who love people who cannot return their love. but yet, in my mind, i still have a perfect picture of love. i wonder whether this is a good or a bad thing. i wonder if this naivety will ever shatter.

oh well. hearing army stories is quite fun actually. but i guess in this period of time when you dun meet people all the time, it's the best proof to show how many good and close friends you actually have. and to tell the truth, i feel quite sad.=X all this while, i've been staying at home, and going home right after work. msn convos and smses have significantly reduced. i have no life at all. even my once so introverted brother is going out 10 times more than i am. and today i was even thinking of what i should do on my birthday though it's so near cny.

sorry if i sound attention-seeking, but i was just typing what i was thinking.=X and i guess sometimes, i can really think too much. and i expect too much from my friendships. i should really learn to fang kai xiong huai, and take things in my stride.

for now, i shall just look forward to meeting jun on mon, and hope that my buddies are free to meet me sometime soon. and class outing on third day of cny. and prob pri sch visiting on cny eve.

weather is so nice and cooling. i shall go for a night jog.=D after not exercising for so long. heh.

random thoughts of the day.

yay! i passed my basic theory! haha although that's not really something to be proud of, it's good to make myself happy once in a while. what's more at a time like this when i dun even know whether i'm happy or sad.=X but yes, at least one SMALL obstacle is cleared. heh.

i think it's damn sad that i can't control my laughter. ok it sounds real silly, but it's true. like when i was at the dentist, my dentist said something not-so-funny, but i ended up thinking that it's funny, and i just laughed, when he was putting on the braces for me. and that happened not only once, but a lot of times! and then sometimes i'll just smile to myself, cos i'll start thinking of ridiculous stuff, and look like a madwoman.

i wonder if there's anything to cure this? haha i'm kidding. maybe it's good lar. i think a good laugh can help you forget a lot of troubles, not that it can help you solve them, but at least you'll feel much better. but that's only if you really laugh, and not laugh just to fu yan.

but kian ngee's mail today really made me smile. he said, 'young lady, slow down. at this rate, i'll lose my job and they will hire you to replace me!" and he was telling me to do some "leisurely research". HAHA! and jaslyn was saying, "how come you so fast wan?", so she was also looking for things for me to do. ges came briefly into mind. but at least i had stuff to do. just that i was SQUEEZING my brain just to think of ideas for the premium club.=X jaslyn took some of my general ideas, but i guess it's not that easy to think of specific ideas. as i was researching about AFTA and about loyalty programs today, i was so bored that i think i spent 2 hours staring at my computer screen doing nothing. just simply thinking, but it didn't help. so basically i wasn't doing anything for the whole afternoon. but it's so fast, i realised, tmr's gonna be my 3rd week at work. time passed much faster here than at ges.=X

i really want to go out. hopefully i'll get to meet jun next week, after her crazy work. cherry's too busy and she'll only be free right before cny, so i dun think i'll get to meet her till then. suddenly i feel like going back to khs and visit. haha that was super random. and also hopefully i can meet up with some of my classmates. so many things that i wanna do, but i've not been doing anything. i'm stuck in either bishan or home. but i think i've also been too lazy.

i'm in a dunno-what-i'm-typing mode already. good night.

tied up freedom.

braces are on.

the whole day i was thinking about, it's going to be such a loooong two years. and when my dentist put on the braces for me, i was wondering how good i'll feel after i take them out. i think a lil too far huh?=X but yeah now i'm really more self-conscious. it feels so uneasy having so many things in my mouth now. but well, not like i can regret or anything. haha.

when my mum drove past school ytd, i just couldn't help it. i know it's so silly just to have that moment of satisfaction, but i dun understand why. i thought i've let go, but i havent. i thought everything is already in the past, but the memories are still fresh in my mind. no matter what, it's far from my reach, and i can only make myself move on. whoever said that pisceans let go easily.=X

"it's only through suffering that you will not take for granted freedom and the people around you." it's so true. the poor army boys will just have to bear with it i guess.

sometimes, when you're so comfortable with the way life is, you dun wanna change it. but if you dun change, you'll never know if things can be better. i think i'm too used to being in the comfort zone. yet, i can't bring myself to step out of it.

sometimes, i feel so horrible cos i can't seem to do anything well. and i dun even know what i truly want. i just simply float around thinking that things will change on their own. or like what others have told me, i'm just a copycat. and i can't even make my own decisions, cos i care too much about what others will think. i never have a clear stand on anything at all.

basic theory tmr. i seriously hope i'll pass. if not, i'll be such a disgrace.

so many things happening within these few days. now i just wanna go out and have fun.

review of 2006

i don't know why, but i suddenly feel like reviewing my past 2 years in jc. i guess jc was just a wonderful period of time for me, while it was tough, i also learnt a lot at the same time. made a lot of new friends, but also lost a lot of friendships. the ups and downs, the joy and the tears. it wasn't an easy period of time, but i guess the most important thing is to come out stronger than before.

1. Ahsayuni.
i'm REALLY glad for such a wonderful og when i first stepped into rj. we weren't exactly the most enthu og during orientation, but the best thing is our friendships slowly built up throughout the two years. i'm always so proud when people go "huh?!" when they hear my j1 og is still alive, still meeting up, planning outings, and even going overseas together. i'm just guilty that i slowly drifted away after council term started, and didn't fulfil my job well as a k'ruz. no matter what, i believe we will still continue to meet up in future, and i'll remain a proud member of ahsayuni forever.

2. S06H
when i first met 6h, i really didn't think much of my class. kept running to my og for "help" thinking that my class is hopeless. but slowly, as a ct rep, i began to know more people in class, and i started to love 6h a lot. all the nonsense, the crap, the squash, bball, floorball, frisbee, plus the other sports that we always owned other classes, of cos our "cool" director civics tutor who ended up "resigning", and a lot a lot other memories that we share. one thing i regretted was not getting to know my classmates better as i was always busy elsewhere. when jc ended, the thing that i missed most was really 6h. i'll miss the happy-go-luckiness of my classmates, the proness in sports, the horrible results, our amazing teachers, the ulu and scandalous classroom that we studied in, and of cos, the people. i feel so lucky to be in such a class, and can only hope we will continue to meet up, though we've all gone very separate ways.

3. Softball
it's my first ever sport cca that i was in, except for track & field in pri sch which i quit after 2 years. i learnt a lot from softball, not only physically, but it was also a test of my mental ability, how to remain calm in the face of competition, the best way to train so that we could achieve the best results, and plus all the team bonding. i remember detesting trainings cos it was just very tough to juggle council, house and softball at the same time. so i decided to put council as my priority, but still continued softball, cos what i wanted wasn't just the cca record, but also the experience as a sportsperson. i seriously considered dropping softball cos of my lack of commitment in j2, but i'm glad i didn't. though i wasn't in team, i could feel the team spirit, and was truly upset when they didn't manage to clinch the gold.

and also, until now, i'm still amazed at how the softball guys are so pro, and the bond between all of them. nv seen a group as close as them before. and i must say i'm still very touched for what the guys have done for the girls. at our finals, they were our cheerleaders, at prom, they gave us a bouquet of flowers each, and at our farewell, they gave all of us christmas presents even though some of us weren't exactly very close to them.

4. 25th Council
to be frank, i couldn't remember exactly why i joined council. i only remember thinking that i might not be able to get in cos i wasn't a prefect.=X i went thru the whole selection process hating it. i'm nv good at interviews, campaigning and making speeches. tagz was really amazing. the fun we had campaigning, thinking of ideas and staying up late to prepare everything. and the best thing was all four of us got in.=D

the whole year after that was just madness. started with council camp, which i'm glad i survived cos it's probably the most horrible camp i ever gone to, but it's the camp that impacted me the most. and then all the functions kicked off. at one point of time, i was really sad cos throughout my whole term, i didn't even get close to many people, and still remained lost as long as jun wasn't there. until now, i still feel uncomfortable at council outings.=X

but council was a really good experience. when you see people who really love the school work together and serve the school, planning events, match support, staying in school till 10 plus 11pm, not sleeping, somehow i just started to love the things that i did, knowing that the things i do would impact people around me.

and of cos i wouldn't forget my buddies from council. i was never close to derrick, and i'm really quite sad because of that. stopped keeping in touch after a while, and the last time i met him was during council camp. sad aint it? david and hongyi are wonderful buddies. though i wouldn't say i'm very close to them, i'm glad we're still keeping in touch. i'm not the best buddy around, but i do hope we will continue to keep in contact, and meet up whenever we can.

5. Buckle-Buckley
i was really hesitant in becoming house captain all over again. wanted to do something different in jc and in council, but in the end, i still said yes to the post, and nv regretted. there were so many things that i learnt, setting up a house system, trying to talk about house spirit when everyone was so cynical about the house, and plus all the public speaking that i was made to do. my comm was just amazing, really. so last minute but yet we still managed to achieve a lot.

i'll nv forget the inter-house competitions, when bb girls just owned everyone else cos of the zai sportspeople we have, especially track and field cos we basically just thrashed the other houses. of cos there was orientation when house spirit was super high, and it was just great hearing my house members cheer their hearts out. in the end, we managed to win to clinch the first ever ihc champion, and for once i felt the "glory" of being a house captain, cos it was simply wonderful to have house members coming up to me saying they're proud to be in bb. i nv thought i was a very good house captain, i just think we have the right people, and correct opportunities. ihc champs is prob the thing i'm most proud of in jc, really.

6. Studies
i think my studies was in the worst ever state in jc. i really screwed up my studies, failing so many tests. and i didn't even study much for A levels. there are just so much pressure around, saying "aiya you'll get your 4As lar", but i'm really not so certain, cos i truly am not confident. i only have myself to blame, for not concentrating much on my studies. but then again, i nv believe that studies is the only thing that determine our lives. and i nv understand why some people put so much focus on their results. oh well, now i can only hope i'll get a decent score for As.

7. Friendships
like i said above, i made a lot of new friends, but at the same time, also lost a lot. i can only say there is one particular friendship that i have a lot of regrets about, for not keeping it, though i really believed a lot in the friendship. and truly speaking, it took me many months to really recover. i can only blame myself for being so stubborn, for being so immature. i think i was nv that close to anyone, and nv opened up so much to someone i only know for such a short period of time, and no one showed that much concern before. until now, i'm still affected by the friendship, and it has left me somehow afraid of committing so much into a friendship.

but of cos, there are many other good friends that i made in jc. some of my classmates, 25ths, softballers, house members. i don't know if i'll continue to be good friends with these people, but at least we had some good times together. if you're here reading my blog, must remember to go out more often k!=D

so that concludes my review of my jc life. it was a really long entry, and i might have left out some stuff.=X to me, jc was so full of ups and downs. at one point of time, i was so sad cos i thought everything around me was just so horrible. my studies, softball, council, friendships, and even my health. i failed my tests, didn't get into team, wasn't doing well in council, friendships were going haywire, and i had some eating problems also. nothing was going well. but i'm glad i got out of it after that, and continued life after that. though i messed up some parts of my life, at least i got to know myself better through everything. and i must thank people around me who have been staying by my side, giving me strength, and listening to my complaints.

now that a new phase in my life has begun, i'll make sure things go fine, and the most important thing is to make sure i don't have any more regrets.

it must be a feat to have read till here. haha.

funny dentist.=P

somehow there seems to be this permanent pain in my mouth right now. prob it's a psychological thing also. or maybe cos the dentist today was less experienced. he took half an hour to extract my two teeth.=X cos when he took out the 2nd one, the root got stuck in the gum. so he spent a lot of time trying to dig the root out.=X lucky i was on anaesthetic then. haha.

but now i can't even smile properly cos i'll look like a bogay.=X and the dentist today was so funny, he gave me a free tube of sensodyne toothpaste plus a mouth wash since i brought a big bag. and he said he wanted to give me a gift [which was my extracted teeth] but he almost lost it. he was looking "frantically" for my lost gift. haha. and when he knew that i was going to extract 8 teeth within one month, he said, "oh no poor thing" with that sort of pitiful face, and i really just burst out laughing. that probably made my morning better.

after that was just mundane worklife. jaslyn was on half day leave today, so i just continued whatever she told me to do. and basically i didn't really do much also.

i think i'll be scared of going out after putting on my braces.=X can't even eat properly now, can't imagine life after tuesday. argh nvm.

dull days...

xiu wen, i'm sane! or at least i think i am still sane for now. wonder what will happen after As results come out.=X hahah.

haven't been able to eat properly after the dentist put on some rubber bands in between my teeth. can't even chew a fish ball properly lar. so resorted to eating only food that can be swallowed. and i haven't even put on my braces.=X ironically it's not the extraction of the teeth that is causing me the pain, it's the rubber bands.=X

gonna extract two more tmr. i hate the numb feeling after the anaesthetic is injected. for 3 whole hours, i couldn't control my mouth properly, and i couldn't even eat properly cos i couldn't feel the spoon in my mouth.=X and didn't help that i didn't have enough gauze to stop the bleeding at the extraction site.

and the injection into the gum was more bearable than i thought. bro kept scaring me with "wah the injection is super painful wan! that time i took ah it was so painful that i almost cried!" and plus before i took, there was this girl beside my room who kept screaming. and that made my heart pump super super fast.=X

and doc said gotta extract my wisdom teeth! so i am going to extract all 4 at one go using general anaesthetic. and it's so expensive! though luckily my parents could use their medisave. but in any case, i'd have to extract my wisdom teeth sooner or later since they're growing horizontally. and somemore my op will be around one week before cny. with braces plus the op, i doubt i'll be able to eat much during the new year. damn sad.

oh and work is getting a little less stressful cos i won't be taking over jessica already. they said they "found a solution", and that "it is unfair for me to take over [her] job within 2 weeks". so they're just giving me marketing stuff to do now, plus some saigang, like shredding of paper. haha. but it's quite enjoyable. at least i dun dread going to work like i did for ges. haha.

today when going home from work, i saw val at the bus stop. and the weird thing was, i was thinking about out conversation during the bb party at that time! what a coincidence lar. haha.

haven't been meeting up with friends these days. super sad. cherry asked me twice, and both times i had to reject. and my weekend was spent at home doing household chores cos my mum was enjoying herself at malacca. and with so many guys at tekong, my days are just super dull.

haven't been uploading pics. wanted to do so since a long time ago, but havent gotten down to doing it. so here are some of them:

buddy hongyi and i! too bad david couldn't make it.=X but we had a good time.=)

individual shots on our outing at new york new york. just totally talk crap with them the whole time. amazing people.

several group photos. above two with classmates, and the bottom two with councillors at council outing. woah these photos were from half a month ago. gosh how outdated i am.

nvm. shall look forward to my pay days. heh.

extraction.

my mouth feels weird. argh.

it'll be worse in 2 days' time.

and even worse right before cny. sigh...

stressful working life

it feels weird with so many guys in ns now. people online seemed to have reduced by half, and somehow there's also a significant reduction in the number of conversations. this is so sad. miss all the crap from the msn convos.=(

work has been stressful. jaslyn keeps emphasizing that i only have 2 weeks to learn everything from jessica, and the reports are so hard to generate! data are extracted from documents all over the place, and all the checking is making me mad. plus it doesn't help that the system is so confusing and i didn't know how to use excel.=X i felt so bad that i disappointed jaslyn because of that. she was saying she shouldn't make such assumptions anymore. school prepares us for word and powerpoint bu never excel. or maybe i'm just too IT illiterate.=X

nevertheless, it has been a good experience for me. two days of work, and i've learnt so much. and the people there are all so nice! people whom i dun even know or dun even work with will also walk past and smile at me and say hi, and some others will be carrying kuehs around asking if the rest want to eat. everyone is like a family, and so nice to each other. so different from ges. i guess working in an mnc is really quite a good experience, and i'm glad i am working there now.

but work is definitely super different from school. somehow, jun's sms today made me miss school a little too, and doesn't help that i can see rj from my desk at work! and today when i went back for bb's party, talking to val about jc life just made me miss school life a lot. all the different experiences, and the friendships forged through the 2 years. jc is probably the best time of my life so far. working just forces one to grow up faster, cos nobody will help you if you dun. a part of me still wants to retain that sort of innocence in school life, like you can just dun care about everything and be yourself.

i'm starting to lose confidence in myself again. it seems like i can never do anything well.

i dun understand why i have to give in to you all the time. i'm tired of trying to make you happy.

finally!

YAY finally there won't be any more nagging from my parents cos i've found a job! at my mum's company.=D i'm really quite happy. though the pay isn't very high, i'm glad i'm able to find a job within such a short period of time since i only came back from malaysia last night. and i won't be idling around anymore, plus my parents have no more reasons to nag at me. haha!

interview went quite smoothly, but i suppose it helped that my mum works in the company. the person [my boss from tmr onwards] was very friendly and i didn't feel nervous at all during the whole process. and it also helped that she already looked through my resume, so i didn't have to explain everything all over again.=)

i guess having studied at rg and rj was a bonus point. my boss just said, "i have no problems with you handling the admin, since your academic qualifications are so good." hmm that's a huge assumption, but i hope i'll be able to live up to expectations. and i think the job will be quite stressful. my boss said something like, "you'll have to control and coordinate people from different departments, to back up your reports with your own analysis, extraction of data, and sometimes leading the HODs around." that's already scary. and another thing is, the person who has been assisting her for 2 years is going off on 29th jan! so that means i'll have to learn EVERYTHING in 2 weeks' time. gosh. nvm. it'll be a very very good working experience for me, and i'm glad.=)

i wanted to blog last night, but my bro bugged me to play game. just came back from KL last night, with an extremely filled luggage.=X i'm still unwilling to calculate the full amount that i spent there, cos i think i'll scare myself, and others too. never in my life i bought so many skirts, but they are all working skirts lar. plus super a lot of tops for easy matching since they are relatively cheap in malaysia. my aunt, and my parents all had to pay for my purchases.=X heh. i'm super evil lar.

BUT i fell sick on the last night. kep vomitting and i totally couldn't eat anything cos i'd have puked everything out. ended up at the clinic, and the doctor gave me some medicine. she said she attributed more to tiredness from walking too much.=X and at that point of time, my mum was very happy cos that means i couldn't spend anymore. haha. that was a super anti-climatic end to our trip lar.

but it was a good trip. took me away from everything in singapore. and i didn't have to think so much. but i kept thinking about class outing and onight throughout the journey. so sad couldn't be with the class, or with the 25ths. prob compensated with the huge amount of shopping at KL. haha.

starting work tmr. it's really a lil too fast. i'll have to start getting used to work life again, but at least i won't be a loner anymore, i'll have my mum as company.=)

so sorry amy, can't go out with you to get present. hopefully we'll still have enough time after my work tmr to do so.=X

my new life starts tmr!=) haha. oh and did i mention, my mum's company is just opposite rj! so that means i can visit school anytime.=D

off!

i guess my previous two posts were a little too harsh. i'm alright now i guess, or maybe the little excitement over the KL trip is making me feel better, or maybe cos my aunt is staying over at my place tonight. whatever it is, i'm glad i'm not feeling angry over my parents anymore, and i know how hard my parents have been working and planning out both my bro's and my life for us, since the day we were born. i just probably need somewhere to vent.=X

going to malaysia tmr. see you guys on tues night!=) oh and i'll be missing so many outings, including a class outing.=X damn sad. hope they enjoy themselves lar.=)

a home or simply a house?

i conclude that nobody in my family truly knows what i'm thinking and i am a really horrible daughter in everyone's eyes. tragic, ain't it?

i like to idle around at home.

i like to waste money.

i like to make unnecessary friends.

i dun know what i'm doing.

i'm rude.

i'm happy-go-lucky.

i'm materialistic.

i don't care about others.

i can't think for myself.

i make myself happy at the expense of others.

i have no idea what's good for myself.

i'm unfillial.

and i used to think my family are the only ones who truly know me. now i dun think so. i've grown so tired of explaining my own stand, cos they won't agree with me anyway. i shall be dumb from now on, since everything i say is wrong. what's the point of arguing, when everyone will find fault with whatever i say? what's the point of thinking so much, fighting for the best when people around me dun even know what the hell i'm doing for?

when there are household chores to do, it seems like i'm the only child at home. when there are good food or privileges, it seems like i'm non-existent. i haven't been asking for much, if you all realise. it's not that i want to make such comparisons, cos i do understand. but sometimes such pressure is overwhelming.

i know i'm being irrational now. but i really dun care anymore. i feel so alone.

now, i hate myself even more.

argh.

that's why i HATE asking my dad for allowance.

"you have to learn to control your spending.", "when you have a job, you can't rely on us for money already." yes IF i have a job. but the thing is, i dont have a job, and i dont have an income. how the hell do you expect me to have money? i've been tapping on my own reserves since god-knows-when, and i can tell you, i'm almost bankrupt. AHHH..

i'm seriously SERIOUSLY pissed. yes you want me to get a job, earn my own money and dun ask you for money. but you have to be reasonable about it first. here i am, waiting to go KL, and you ask me to go call up some company tmr. how the hell am i supposed to go for an interview? they'll just ask me to call after i come back. do you think i dunno what i'm doing? do you think i want to just idle around the whole day and not do anything? if you dun want to spend money giving me money, then lock me up at home lar. dun come and nag at me the whole day giving me all sorts of weird logic.

if you want respect, you got to earn it first.

i dun deny i am a spendthrift. but i haven spent much since prelims, and i still have problems. and you expect me to pay for EVERYTHING myself. how am i supposed to cope? yes i owe mum and bro money and dun return. but it's not that i dun want to return, i dun have the means to return. now, i dun even dare to buy anything excess, except for meals, and occasional games. isn't that normal? ok maybe to you, that's wasting money.

yes you can complain and scold me all you want about being rude to you, and i'm seriously not going to care anymore. why do everyone assume i'm always the bad person here? i'm never right, and i never know what i am doing. i'm always the childish one, always the unreasonable one. nothing i say makes sense. i dun contribute anything to the family at all, i'm a useless person who is a parasite and leeching on the family finances. if that's what you think, then i really have nothing much to say already.

you're always right, and i'm always wrong. happy?

shall blog about happier stuff next time. not now.

happy new year!

i was so upset about the whole bangkok issue that i forgot to wish everyone HAPPY NEW YEAR! it's still a new year after all, and i guess whatever happens, there's no point being so sad. lets hope this will be a blessing in disguise, and lets hope also that this will "wash away" the bad luck for the rest of the year!

this year will be a crucial year, with so many decisions to make, so many changes to our lives. i want to make sure it'll be a good year.

no more bangkok.

i seriously panicked when ja msged me about the bombings. thought of how our long-awaited plans might be cancelled, how our money might just go to waste cos of that, how all my shopping plans might just disappear, and i was really really sad. how suay can we get? seriously. just 2 days before we go bangkok, bombings occurred.

within a night, so many things happened. woke up with a sms saying the bombings continued, and the bombs hit more tourists attractions. asked around, and generally everyone was fine with going ahead. but my mum was very strongly against it, cos the responsibility she has to hold is really quite great, and i understand that. i couldn't help but started crying. all the excitement, the anticipation, the fun, everything just "poofed" in a night. it's not that i'm being irrational and emotional, it's just that i was really she bu de. but i guess even if we are to go ahead, we won't have a lot of fun, and with our families worrying for us, i suppose the best thing is to postpone it.

what a way to start the new year.

i really hope that isn't a bad sign for the year ahead.=X still can't believe our luck.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok i just needed to vent. spent the whole morning and afternoon settling this whole thing, deciding the date, contacting the hotel, tiger airways, oriental escape, and even rejected to have lunch with cherry. so now decided to go in late june. i REALLY hope nothing goes wrong then.

daddy doesn't want to waste his leave, so my parents and i might just be going malaysia still. lets see how. i never dare to have such high hopes anymore.

hmm but yeah get to meet up with some of them tmr. and with my buddy hongyi! watching confession of pain. like finally i found someone to watch with. there are so many nice movies that i wanna watch, but can't find people to watch with. wanted to watch curse of the golden flower, death note, but when i finally decide to ask around, everyone has already watched. super sad.

have been eating a lot at home these days. ah well nvm. when i start to wear braces, i'll probably eat a lot less.=X self-comforting. argh.

i LOVE the new mayday album! it's really good i must say. chorkiang said he thinks the whole album is good, and i just wanted to listen to it asap, so rushed out to buy the album. heh. but it wasn't a disappointment. i'm starting to like mayday more and more.=)

i think this was the first time i ever felt so disappointed. but i guess we all had no choice. i think i've gotten over it, though it still hurts a little to think about how i could have just been resting now, and looking forward to the trip tmr. no more gifts everyone.=X and maybe i get a chance to go crash during orientation. depends on whether my parents are going malaysia.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

ok i'll not think about it again.