happiness?

after the third week of school, i'm still not in the mood for mugging. i'd intended to start work today after slacking ytd, but i just didn't feel like doing anything. and knowing that i have loads to complete before next week, perhaps i have to work extra hard the next few days.

i just have some thoughts after attending one of my lectures on interpersonal relations and effectiveness. the class is essentially about attaining happiness (with a tb called "the how of happiness"). it felt so ironic, getting me to discuss about happiness when most of the time, i dunno how happiness feels like.

but somehow it reminded me of some stuff. one of the comments went, "you have to experience the lows to understand how the highs feel like." sound exactly like what i told a friend a few years back. and we were told to email 15-20 friends to get 3 stories each to illustrate when i'm at my best. i felt paiseh, but looking at some of the replies, i actually feel rather glad that we were told to do so.

it felt so much like council evaluations. and i've always liked such self-discovery sessions. i just never expected to do all these in a module, when everyone is competing to get a good grade. it just feels so wrong to do all these with the hope of getting good grades for the module.

then again, i feel myself slightly happier these days. may be due to various small reasons, for example my parents coming back from bangkok, my family relations improving, some friendships renewed, etc. but still, i feel slightly more at ease with myself than the last few years. i dunno whether such a feeling is permanent, but at least i feel some improvement.

and i think talking to joce is quite therapeutic too. i'm so glad we're getting closer now, talking not just about school work, and everything else too, like what we did during the weekends, etc. but yeah, i think having a friend who is always willing to listen and whom i dun mind confiding in is a good thing for me. i do realise i have some mental barrier that i can't get over, but i will try. and i think i've been emotional only because i dun allow myself to be happy, to be contented. i only have myself to blame then.

perhaps my better mood also arose from the fact that i went back to rj, back to where all the happiest and saddest periods of my life happened. it's probably the only schooling period that i would want to return to and change some stuff about it. but then again, even though i didn't know anyone there, other than recognising some canteen uncles and aunties and some teachers, it still felt like a second home to me, a place where i spent two full years growing up at. everything's so different, but yet still felt the same.

now in uni, i really dun like this period of sourcing for internship. i hate boasting about how i can contribute to organisations and about my capabilities. it's not something that i'm good at, and bad things seem to always come out of it. perhaps it's really a matter of confidence, but when there's nothing to make you feel confident about yourself, there's no way you can feel confident. vicious cycle maybe?