inferiority

i seriously wonder why parents like to compare their kids. for improvement? for motivation? dun they realise that at our age, such comparison will never work again?

i guess they will never understand how my poor performance at As totally shattered my confidence in my studies. do they think they are the only ones who are disappointed? i could perhaps term it as the turning point of my life, the point which totally brought me downhill. dun they know that the more they are so concerned over my results at As, i'll prob feel 10 times worse than them?

this must be the umpteenth time i'm crying over my results. and it has already been 2 years.

and it totally hurts, when they make comments like, you see your bro is always studying, you leh, forever watching shows and not doing anything. you know i totally felt like jumping out of the car when my mum said that just now. there are just too many times that i've said never to compare my studying style with my bro's, cos we are so different.

i hate it when they do that. i hate it when i feel that i'm nothing in their eyes.

i can only pretend to be defensive, like a porcupine, rebuting every single sentence, and thereafter shed tears in my own room.

if they like, i can jolly well stay out of home the entire day. rather than being scolded for slacking at home. one year ago, i was scolded for taking part in every single thing i could get my hands on. one year on, i get scolded for slacking too much. nothing i do seems to please them. nothing i do seems to be sufficient.

it hurts, when you feel like disappearing in your own home. perhaps i should never have existed before.