i hope i'm fine

thanks ja and cynli for the tags! i guess sometimes it's just the feelings at those points of times that make me so overwhelmed with emotions, but i'll be much better after a while. perhaps this is called immunity.

and it's not that i dun want to talk to my family about such stuff, i just dunno how to open my mouth. i guess in a way i'm also expecting them to realise what i'm feeling, but i dun think that's ever possible. we aren't those families that can just sit down and talk calmly. too often we just end up quarrelling because i feel my parents just dun see things from my perspective. which is why i feel the imposition of parents' expectations on their kids can be really detrimental especially if they just want their kids to do things their way.

somehow i feel like describing them as enzymes, the lock-and-key concept. if it's the wrong key to a particular lock, the key will be rejected. it's like parents seem to have this particular model in their head, possibly influenced by how they were brought up. and if their kids do not fit into this model or slightly deviate from it, punishments will follow. up to this moment, i still do not understand why my parents think that studying MORE will result in better grades. they assume that when i dun study in quantity, my quality will also be affected. and problem is, you can't force me to change my studying style just to SHOW that i'm studying hard isn't it. isn't that being very hypocritical?

i guess it's also my pride at work, and my stubbornness. i dunno. when it comes to my family, there's just a certain sense of helplessness, possibly due to the inferiority. ah sigh.

ok i shall change topic. i'm actually quite glad that my project groups this sem, although most are totally new combinations other than jocelin and myself, are quite sane and normal. or at least it seems like i can work with them properly. do hope things will carry on in this manner, if not i predict a really miserable sem with SOOO many projects.

can't beat the BR freshies though. they seem to be pulling their hair off these days. or should i say for the next few months too. i really see the reflection of myself one year ago.

and i was so pissed off with this guy in the bus when i was going home today. throughout the entire journey, he was leaning against my arm cos he was sleeping. and not like he's small-sized can. there were just countless times i hinted by sudden jerks of my arm, but somehow he didn't get it and would just wake up and then fall back asleep again. for goodness sake, if you're sitting beside a total stranger and you know you're falling sleep and leaning everywhere, at least have the courtesy to stop doing so when the person has already retaliated, especially if you're a guy.

i'm getting so tired of everything around me. i'm getting so sick of myself. i'm getting so restless in school.