warped

i think i always have a very warped idea of things that are going on. sometimes, i'll be too sensitive and think too much of the things happening around me. yet at other times i'll just heck about whatever that is going on. but most of the time, i just over-read situations and end up getting myself miserable, for no good reason at all.

somehow i think i'm a horrible friend. i can't stand it when i'm concerned about someone but yet refuse to show it, when i have questions for my friends but refuse to ask, when i want to talk to someone but scared of disturbing him/her. i really think i'm quite an easily forgotten person.

i guess it's true when people say friends come and go. i wonder how many of my friends did i lose contact with already. if i truly want to meet up with my friends, how many can i even msg? if i suddenly want to go play pool, go kbox, go cycle, go watch movie, go study with, go shopping with, who can i ask?

i'm a loner who's scared of loneliness.

j told me something today that made me really reflect. like what i said, i think too much into things. and sometimes, she doesnt want to tell me stuff cos she's afraid i'll start to emo, which is true. and like, probably i really shouldn't expect too much. i know that when i dun have so high expectations, better things will come to me, but i just can't help it. maybe i'm just destined to remain alone. maybe i should just resign to seeing people be happy and feel happy for them instead.

life now is just filled with projects and more projects.
- service ops case analysis
- service ops backpacker project
- ais general ledger project which we haven't even started
- mis weekly tutorial presentation
- macro problem set 3
- macro presentation

mind you, these projects are only for 3 modules. sigh. in BR's terms, i should say, 'DIFFICULT LAR'. i'm getting a little influenced by them. haha. but somehow i dun remember being as stressed as them one year ago. my friends always ask me why i'm helping BR people so much and all that, but somehow i enjoy doing so, enjoy talking to them, giving them some help so they can do well, sitting at the usual place and chatting with whichever BR person that walks past, etc. was having dinner with hsien and vivien last night, reminiscing about foc. it's just 4 months ago, and it's amazing how friendships have built within the last few months. celebrated ming ming's bday ytd, and only 2/25 roses didn't turn up! amazing ain't it. we made such a din in the canteen, but it was just so fun.

i can sense things have started to change within the og, but nevertheless, i still feel comfortable with them. whether it's chatting with daryk johnson luther dennis sarah on monday lunch or whatever random lunch break they have, or with sherlyn and hsien along the bizad club room corridor, or with amelia, ellen, ming ming, kelly, yuan yi whenever i meet them, there's somehow always a sense of nostalgia, hoping that the whole og is around and we can start doing and saying random stuff. whenever i feel brain-dead during project meetings, i just have to go look for them and somehow i'll feel better instantly. i think the feeling of attachment to the og is really strong, and i'm amazed. i just hope things remain the way they are. i must say they take up quite a big part of my uni life now.

(i'm surprised how i dun really feeling anything anymore whenever i see your name pop up on my msn. of cos there's the habitual checking of whether you're online, but it has decreased quite a lot. my rate of recovery seems rather quick now. or maybe sub-consciously, i've stopped myself from sinking too deeply into my own thoughts.)

ah well. back to projects.