i am such a coward

sometimes i wonder why i can't be direct. i can never be that upfront with my own feelings and emotions, and what i really think about stuff. you can say it's hypocritical, but i really dun mean to be like that. i'd rather say it's an inability to express my feelings and fear to let people know what i really feel. to me, it's a terrible feeling to be easily understood by people around me, unless that person is a close friend or special someone. that's why my msn nick is always in chinese pinyin. many people have asked why i dun choose to type in chinese instead, but i guess that's not the point. i dun want to be THAT easily understood like what i've said above.

and i've always disliked myself for not being able to step out of my own comfort zone drawn by myself. i never liked to take risks, never dared to do things that i'm not confident in. sometimes, this might actually be mistaken as a 'lazy' side to me, as in some of the commitments that i'd undertaken. but the truth is, i dun like to take up something and end up being criticised for it. i very much rather take up things that i can do well in. you might say it's an excuse, but the truth is, i'm scared.

sometimes i feel that i've really failed as a person. there's really something wrong with my ability to handle strangers. i can just stare at people i dunno and have completely no idea what to say to them. and i'm supposed to be in biz where networking is super important. i still havent overcome this psychological barrier since young. and i still have no idea why i have this problem. sigh.

having said the above, i must emphasise that i'm not feeling sad or what, i'm just reflecting. but i guess i'm a naturally pessimistic person lar, so this is actually quite normal. wall-e with yowie today was actually quite refreshing. the movie was super cute lar. and the fact that there wasn't a lot of dialogue actually makes the audience focus a lot more on the small details that happen.

i've wasted the whole weekend away. somehow, i've lost a lot of my motivation, and becoming a lot more distracted by the things happening around me. workload is getting heavier, but i seem to be slacking away. i seriously can't focus, or maybe i shud say i'm putting my focus on stuff that dun seem to be realised. i was staring at my textbook completely thinking about things not inside the book. this is really worrying. i dun want a repeat of history.