screwed up

i'm seriously super pissed off with myself. how could i just screw up the interview like that? i really really hate myself. maybe my mapp analysis is accurate. i'm probably not good at management level, i rather be someone under someone else's management. i can't go high-up in any organisation, simply because i totally cannot present myself well enough. however much people say about me, however much i try to prove to myself that i can do it, i still suck at speaking and presenting myself.

maybe i was unprepared, maybe i was just too complacent, whatever it was, i really did screw up the interview. i really doubt there's a chance for me in getting the award, cos when i stepped out of the room, the people i saw were people who prob did the same as me, BUT they're certainly much better at presentation and interview skills. i've always felt inferior about myself, and this is totally not helping at all.

sometimes when my freshies say things like, 'aiya deans lister, dun be humble lar. you so zai....', i soo feel like telling them, 'i'm not as zai as you think i am. i really really suck.' they told me today before i went for my interview, 'aiya you dun even need to dress well, just go there anyhow say things also can get the award.' it's flattering, but it's totally not the truth!

maybe i havent been thinking about what i really want out of uni, and what i want to be after uni. i guess i've been overestimating myself. i keep thinking, what should i do this sem? and i can't answer myself. the career counsellor asked me, 'have you been going for career talks? i dun remember seeing you at all.' i know i haven't been proactive enough, haven't really taken the effort to test out what i'm really interested in and have a goal to work towards. but there's just no motivation to do so!

and good and bad things seem to come in pairs. good is that i just got an email confirming that i'm in deans list last sem, but bad, cos i just screwed up an interview that would have made my parents proud, and proved them wrong.

i'm really having this bad feeling about this semester. i know i've been saying this in my previous few entries, but yes, history's repeating, as much as i hate to admit it. i need to get myself back onto the right track, and stop doing unnecessary things just to bluff myself.