reflection

you know i've always been taught to be wary of people from young. to know how to differentiate the good from the bad. i've always grown up thinking that i can't trust people with personal stuff. now that i've become who i am, i'm actually jealous of people who can trust anyone anytime. cos at least you'll be who you really are, behave naturally, open up to anyone and welcome strangers into your life.

i'm such a cynical person, someone who seldom trust people, always doubting people, always criticising people's judgment. i'm so tired of it, yet i can't seem to get out of it.

there's a reason why i dun drink alcohol with friends, cos i'm afraid of putting myself in such a vulnerable position that i have to actually trust someone to bring me home safely.

there's a reason why i dun commit easily to any friendship, cos i'm afraid to be the one on the losing end.

there's a reason why i automatically filter guys away (meaning i just ignore them) when i find that there's something wrong with their character, cos i'm afraid of giving away too much of myself to these guys.

there's a reason why i'm totally not close to the raggers, cos it takes a lot for me to feel close to anyone, what's more a group of people.

there's a reason why i end up appearing too strong, cos i dun want to be the centre of attention.

friends always tell me that i'll be able to find someone who appreciates me for who i am. you know i'm really doubtful of that. i've given so much to so many friendships yet realised in the end that the friendships dun mean much in these people's eyes, that they can just easily give it up. i've become tired of giving, so much so that i'm cynical of most of my friendships right now. what's more any relationship.

when i sat there with the black rose freshies playing 'i never' that night, i actually felt inferior, feeling bad that i never had any experience to speak of. i started to reflect (again). i thought of how he brought me out of my shell yet at the end left me hanging. i thought of the times we spent together, how i was touched by what he did, but at the end, everything crashed.

but it's sad, sad that i nv ever told him, and sad that that was the only time.

still, i need to thank you for everything we did together. thanks for showing me that i can actually open up that much to a guy. you might not ever know who you are, but yes, thanks.

i realised i get jealous too damn easily. it's not doing any good to my mental health.

i broke down again today. sigh.