worthless

warning: dun read if you're in a good mood.

i just sank into another round of inconsolerable tears-fighting session.

trigger: nothing.

having an inferiority complex really sucks. your emotional state seems to be always on a roller-coaster.

i never ever realised the impact of all the physical/verbal abuse since young. now, i'm starting to realise it.

it's something to do with my personality also. i like to compare myself with others, and i like everything to be fair and just.

when comments you hear from outsiders are mostly positive, while nothing's positive when you're at home, sometimes you just wish you were never at home.

nothing's enough. and when efforts are not recognised, i dun see the point of proving anything anymore.

i feel like my worth at home is just the certificate that i get. without that, i'm worthless.

not that it's any better outside of home.

as a friend to anyone, i've never felt as if my absence would make any difference.

i've been happily thinking about what i should do for my 21st birthday next year, until a sudden realisation hit me just now. why am i making things difficult for others? if i'm gonna hold a party, it means that people have to buy presents. this is like forcing people to buy stuff. and in any case, i'm quite sure my family won't want to spend the unnecessary money, and that people won't want to spare that time and effort to celebrate MY birthday.

i feel like walking around aimlessly having all the time in the world to myself. along the beach, along a busy pavement, whatever.

my eyes are stinging from the tears.

pls dun scold me for being unappreciative. pls dun say things like people around me actually do care for me. i've heard such stuff millions of times, but they never ever sunk in, cos i never ever felt it.