pessimism

now i finally truly understand why girls like to go for rich husbands/bfs. or maybe i just like to stereotype against rich guys. or maybe it's just an infatuation. but too bad, rich guys get attached damn easily and what's more the nice rich ones.

what a weird topic. i really sound damn materialistic here.

feeling slightly better today. nv really got out of feeling horrible about myself, but i just need things to keep me occupied.

you know, i think i've been pessimistic all my life that nobody really bothers when i'm thinking on the 'dark' side yet again. or maybe it's just cos i dun want most people to bother. jr was saying how he thought i'm not the pessimistic sort cos the impression i give people is that i'm strong.

but no, the strongest people are those who appear to be weak, while those who appear to be strong are in fact those who are the weakest. it's a convenient mask that some people put on to avoid being in the centre of attention.

i'm scared of a lot of things, i'm paranoid in fact. i imagine things. i think of the worst things that could happen. i'm a coward. i escape. i hide.

or maybe i'm just afraid of losing the very few things that i possess.

i'm a really horrible person. i'm jealous of everyone else around me.

everything that i really really want seems to go further away from me as time passes.

i shouldn't be WANTING something, maybe that's when the things will come.