first.

i dun remember ever crying myself to sleep. ytd was the first time i've ever done so. it was a time of overwhelming emotions. i still dunno if it was cos of one issue, or a combination of factors. i really couldn't stop crying. everytime i tried to stop, i thought of other stuff and just cried again.

my 19th year is really the worst it could ever be. maybe it isn't as bad as i put it, but i can't wait for it to be over. perhaps it's because it's a year of bad academic results for me. the trigger was the release of dean's list last night. maybe i've been expecting too much from myself. when i knew i missed the cut-off by just a bit, i was angry with myself, angry for not putting in just that little bit more of effort.

then i was thinking, if academic isn't what i'm supposed to be better at, then what else?

sent a sos offline msg to jun, and i think anyone who receives such a msg would have his spirits dampened by it. i'm really sorry jun. i really couldn't think of anyone else who would understand.

"jun...
i'm very very sad now...
as superficial as it sounds
i'm upset abt not being able to get into dean's list last sem
after holding a small chance of doing so
just seems like 19 years old to me is a curse
nothing really went well
everything that could be bad went bad
started with sucky results for As
and ending with a seemingly similar thing
i dunno why i'm so upset
i nv used to be so emotional over results
results to me in the past were just a part of life
when i knew i didnt get into the list, it took a while for me to react and i just burst out crying
you know i've always wanted to prove my parents wrong
that i can still do well academically
but everything points in the wrong direction
i dun even know what i'm doing anymore
i'm really tried...
maybe i just cant accept failures
i really hate myself for this
for being so upset over results
i know there are many things to life
you know the only thing i was holding on to was my academic achievements in uni
like the only thing i felt better about was my studies
now, everything changed
i just feel like i can nv do anything well anymore
i've lost faith in everything
that i once could achieve"

then people are starting to scold me for taking up too many commitments and killing myself in the process. this week was pure madness.

sunday: slept at 2am
monday: reached home at 11.30pm, slept at 3am
tuesday: slept at 2.30am
wednesday: stayed over, slept for 1 hr
thursday: reached home at 11pm, slept at 2am
friday: reached home at 1030pm

stayover was fun cos of ja. cant imagine what would it be like if ja wasn't there. i think if i ever want a bouquet of flowers, i can even make it for myself. heh.

vday itself was so-so. nothing much happened, just a lot of presents exchanging. didnt get much also. i was SOOO sleepy cos of the lack of sleep that i fell asleep during stats and finishing school. possibly one of the most normal vday, obviously with no date. (haha francine is president of lonely hearts club. i think i can join)

then went for tuition just now. dylan almost drove me crazy. sigh.

ok i'm damn sleepy. shall update another day.