tired.

it's getting a little tiring switching personalities these days.

it's like one moment i'm in school chatting happily with my newly-made friends, and then, once i'm alone, i start thinking about a lot of things. like on the long bus journeys to and fro school.

at 19, we're expected to be strong and not appear vulnerable in front of others. we're expected to know where we're heading in our lives and pursue the things that we like. we're expected to grab all possible opportunities to shine or to make our resumes nicer. we're expected to know what we're doing and not let people worry anymore. so many expectations, and i'm tired of having to keep up with all these.

and you know, these days i've been thinking about my own existence. does my existence make any difference at all? i really dunno. it's a question i've been asking myself since eons ago. i'm a useless and lazy bum at home. i'm a slightly above average student with no motivation to work harder, to excel in the stuff i'm doing, or even to enrich myself with knowledge or experiences. i'm a friend whom, unless you are a close friend of mine, will not go all out to help others when they're in trouble.

i'm even tired of always playing a supporting role to my friends, and even my family. and you know how such supporting roles always do not get the appreciation.

i'm tired of being alone all the time. you know sometimes i wish i could have a friend by my side all the time so i can share all my experiences? but i know it's impossible. nobody lives for me, so i just have to learn to be independent.

but everything's so hard. hard to get a close friend, hard to find people you connect with, and nowadays even harder to be happy.

i'm never an optimistic person, but now i think i've become more pessimistic.

i just can't help but think i'm such a lousy person. and there's only one wish i would make right now, if i even have the chance to.