tripod - pif!

one week of inactivity on my blog, but my activities have come to a rather abrupt stop from today onwards.

this week has been filled more or less by tripod, and a bout of stomach flu. on tues, i was looking forward to earning some money from tuition after spending tons at gz/hk. but when i was out shopping with bro, i felt so drained and the urge to vomit after having my dinner. decided to cancel tuition though felt a lil bad for it. but turned out to be a good decision cos i was totally zonked when i reached home. then bro fell sick as well.

wed, wanted to go for driving, after like 3 weeks, but felt even worse. so visited the doctor for the 2nd time in 2 days, bro too, and got an mc. i think my instructor is damn pissed with me seriously. my third time changing my lesson lar. but i really dun feel the urgency to learn now simply cos 3 persons to one car is just - impossible to drive. and my test is just too far away. ah well. then dylan's mum msged and said that she had to cancel tuition cos dylan is sick. oh ho. no income, and really broke. =X

thurs, went for amazing race discussion with yk and yw in the morning, and oh man felt so guilty for not doing any logistics for the race. just sat there and helped them with the stuff.=X then went to peishan's house to do a runthrough of the camp. we finished it quite early and ended up playing bridge. heh.

was quite touched when michelle msged me before the meeting on thurs, "hey heard you're sick. rest well and don't worry too much.=)" and "eh... you not okay then please rest. don't push yourself too hard." it's been quite a long time since i've had such concern i think, somemore without me telling her anything. wonderful leader in my opinion, taking care of people under you while at the same time doing everything so well. but the fact is, i felt guilty really, for not putting in my best for the camp, for falling sick just before the camp and ending up not doing anything, for slacking while everyone is hard at work with all the admin stuff. i do admit my role for the camp is rather small, but i guess i could have done more to help others. argh.

fri morning, went out with bro for his medical appointment before going shopping for a while. been a long time since i spent that much time with him actually. i guess it's also good lar. i think he's the only person i can feel absolutely comfortable around, without a need to conceal my emotions, and to voice out my opinions truthfully. sometimes i feel so tired trying to be the nice person around, the most neutral, the one who tries to cater to everyone's needs. i guess i will nv bring myself to be evil to others, just that it's so tough being nice sometimes - especially smiling when you feel so horrible inside.

tripod started on fri evening. such a different feeling being the org comm instead of the people running the show, ie the facilitators. it's like i have always been executing whatever i'm planning so i know whether whatever i've planned was successful. but i guess it's also good looking at things using the big picture rather than being so engrossed in the running of the show. i think that was how i failed as an ogl, cos i was just so involved elsewhere that i neglected my og.

went home late at night cos mum actually didnt want me to go for the camp as i was still sick. next morning i just felt a huge resistance to wake up cos i was so so tired. dragged myself up and couldnt even walk in straight lines cos i still felt so weak and tired. well imagine a few days of eating super minimal food - no energy.

i think i failed as a day ic. everything was still more or less ran by yw. only thing i did was to brief the facils on amazing race, which had really mixed comments. overall sentiment is that , we failed in our planning of the race.=X ah well. we all have to learn.

spent 2 hrs in front of the suntec ducktours waiting for my grp to come so that i could sign on their paper and zao. one hr was spent sitting down and dozing off in front of world of sports, and the next hr was spent standing at ducktours. i couldnt imagine how a grp can take an hr to find their way from city hall mrt to the place i was at.=X i guess we grossly overestimated the groups' abilities to navigate their way around the area.

one comment was, "the amazing race was badly-planned." i guess the 3 of us really got to sit down and think about what really went wrong in our planning. hai.

rest of the camp went quite smoothly i think, except for the fact that technical problems made us change our plans SOOO many times. glad the camp was rather successful, with the groups gelling and having so much fun even when the programme was dragged. and of cos was glad jun pulled me into the comm so that i can have the chance to plan such a meaningful event. and of cos was elated to hear that people want to continue this effort of ours for tripod 2008! yay! will see what i can do next year if i do help out. heh.

then after that was council dinner at city hall. i was so drained and tired i didn't know if i should go, and of cos knowing that i will prob remain quiet throughout the whole dinner cos i just can't talk to so many of them. but since it was the last activity of my busy period, i just thought i should go and sort of drain myself completely before slacking off. heh. as i expected, i was walking alone, remaining a mute while walking to swensens. but dinner itself was fine. guess i was just sitting next to people i can talk and connect to, so it didn't turn out that badly.

listening to people talk about their own lives serves as a testimony to how i am still such a coward, refusing to come out of my shell to truly make my life more exciting. i keep wanting to enrich my life and know more people, but yet i am still refusing to step out of my comfort zone. i keep giving myself excuses, how i dun want to go for any uni camps cos everything clashes, how i refuse to keep in contact with people and taking the initiative to talk to people i haven't talked to in ages, even refusing to reply people who write on my facebook wall. it's my own fault that my life is turning out this way, but i am not doing anything to help it. i know i am making myself miserable, but i just can't help it. there's so much resistance within myself these few months to change myself. as i told some people, i think i will end up a loner when i go to uni, and i think i just might. tragic ain't it. when we are of the age when our social circle should widen, but mine is becoming smaller as days pass.

sometimes, i really dunno what i should do in my life.

and i just dunno how to talk to people about this. cos all others can tell me is to come out of my shell and be the person i want to be. i know i should, but i just can't bring myself to.

excuses and more excuses. hai.

and yes, you left me hanging. i wonder if anything you talked about in that post actually refers to it. or there are just too many instances.

wanted to post some photos but blogger doesnt allow me to. ah well. next time ba.