reflections

i was doing some reflections, while reading the "how of happiness", and i realised that, although jc was a tough period of time, it was also the time when i was the happiest.

the times the 25ths stood in front of the crowd cheering for our school. the times when 6h played squash against the stairway, played floorball, frisbee, basketball, handball and thrashed the other classes. the times when 6h will laugh at ourselves for getting the worst average amongst the so6 classes. the times when i stood in front of BB and attempted to rah-rah them. the times when i went down for inter-house competitions and saw my house members fighting so hard to win. the times when 6h petitioned to get our gp tutor sacked. the council camp days. the softball training days. the times when we gossiped hell lot while studying for A levels. the times when i was busy smsing during class and knew NUTS about what was going on in class. the times we played bridge/spades at the 6th or 7th level to avoid getting caught. the times we spent at j8 after trainings, lessons, whatever. the times when jun and i would indulge in many many sessions of encouraging each other and stopping the tears for the other.

and of cos, good things always come to an end. there are mistakes i've made, there are friendships i'm dying to repair, but at the end of it, i think these are the things that really made me grow up and saw the best and worst sides of people.

and as i came into uni, my priorities changed. it wasn't about fun and happiness anymore. it wasn't even about character development anymore. it was about damage control, controlling the damage i've caused by having too much fun in jc. A levels was a disaster, and anyone who knows me well enough knows that it's probably one of the few things that had caused the worst hurt in me. it was irreparable, and the only thing i could do was to make sure i do well in uni.

but of cos, there are limited things i can repair, and honestly, i've been really unsuccessful. i wouldn't say i have tried my best, but sometimes, i wonder if all these things happen for a reason at all. i've always believed that things happen for good reasons, but this belief has been challenged ever since a levels. it even made me question if the parental relationship is conditional based on grades. i wouldn't deny the parental love that i've received over the last 22 years, especially the last year. but i just dun agree with the methods that were used.

perhaps, such a change in my family also led me to stand up for myself more than i did in the past. now, i dun have to ask for permission for things that i did. i started to dye/rebond/perm my hair, pierced two more ear holes, bought more expensive clothes, etc. these were things i was afraid to do in the past, cos i would be scolded. i feel more freedom at least.

it's just that when i look back at my uni days now, my memory is filled with things that i was "forced" to do, that even though i do not mind doing, i am not 100% enjoying them. there are no similar passion anymore, or maybe no one to share the passion. which is why i miss council days, when most people did things with a genuine passion and not really that of boosting their resumes (or so i hope!).

and more importantly, there's no one who truly understand the things you do the way you do them. explanations become such a chore. finding someone to talk is not as easy as making some expression and the other party will understand. wanting to hang out is not as easy as simply studying together then going for dinner after that. getting rid of emotions is not as easy as picking up my phone and smsing you, or you.

perhaps, this is part of growing up, and gradually entering into the cruel realities. the things that matter the most to me seem to be getting further from me, and i seem to have accepted the fact, to get accustomed to the life that i dun really fancy, but one in which i'm more familiar with.