decisions.

i'm usually not one who will regret my decisions when i've made them, but now as i look back, i wonder how things would be different if i have gone on different paths.

i guess one of the most major decisions i've made is to go to rgs. i knew at that point of time that i wasn't cut out for the rigour of the rafflesian education, and knew that i won't be able to fit into the culture of the school. but having been presented with the chance which others want but may not get the opportunity to, i just heeded my parents' advice and headed to rgs.

it wasn't an easy path. in pri sch, i was an extroverted person. i could talk to almost anyone anywhere. i was also the teachers' pet and got all sorts of awards. but slowly, being in rgs made me realise how pathetic my knowledge of the world was. i couldn't speak proper english, didn't read harry potter (yes everyone in the class read except me), and didn't understand some of the lingo they used. i remember very clearly how the "rich and wealthy" girls used to ignore me and refused to talk to me. it wasn't an easy time definitely.

but it takes time to get used to a new environment. kong hwa was anything but competitive. it was still a rather homely environment, where everyone was friendly to each other. i remember how i hated the competitiveness of my new school. results are just results. no matter how badly one does, it doesn't matter in a week's time.

slowly, i withdrew from the class. i felt so inferior. i felt that everyone except me was intelligent. but what can i do? intelligence is not something that can be copied and pasted.

being placed into the position of house captain, i felt i wasn't well-equipped enough. public speaking has always been a torture for me. worse still when i'm a captain. i didn't know what to say at house meetings, i didn't know how to get people to cheer with me. even though everything eventually turned out well, the sense of inferiority never got better.

the two years of jc life was probably a turning point in my life. i placed my focus on everything except my studies. and true enough, my studies just went down the drain. it hasn't been easy ever since then, with all the family issues and whatnots. slowly, i also found myself closing up to people around me. i started to self-pity, started to blame everything around me that was happening, and everything that wasn't happening.

sometimes, i feel even more inferior at biz school. i can't present well, but that's precisely what biz lessons revolve around. there are of cos other components, but i know i can do them only because i have good "training" from my previous paths.

i guess knowing about all the things happening in the elite section of singapore hasn't been too healthy for me. to me, it seems like a reverse psychological effect, the more i get into such an environment, the more i have this sub-conscious effort to push it away from me. and even though on the surface i have accepted and fit into such culture, it's making me feel even more inferior than ever before, because i know i can never be as good as most of my batchmates.

i was watching one of the drama idols, and i remember someone saying, "if you dun dare to dance in front of people, it means you dun have confidence in yourself." how true and representative. i dun dare to, and not only do i not like to dance in front of people, i dun like to do any task in front of others unless i know i can do it well. it is a psychological barrier definitely, i just dunno how to overcome it.

maybe it's also the upbringing. i grew up in a home where it's necessary to give in all the time. but for me, fairness is supposed to prevail. i grew up being unhappy about all the things that i never gotten. i know it probably helped me to become independent and all, but i just never really felt the word "love" happening to me.

perhaps i'm finding excuses for my inadequacy, my laziness, whatever. i have always been rationalizing the things that happened to me, and the consequences of the paths that i have taken. even though i never liked to regret my decisions, there are bound to exist decisions that i will look back at occasionally and wonder if i have made a good decision.

for now, i still can't decide. but one is never contented, and another person's food is always more attractive than your own. so, perhaps i'm just being fickle-minded and just wish to experience life that is not meant to be mine.