i wish.

to be honest, i've actually kinda lost a lot of trust and confidence in people around me.

it's not that i've been betrayed or anything, i just sometimes think that as one gets older, the number of people you can actually trust and confide in gradually gets smaller, to a really pathetic number.

now, i rather be alone at times. i've gotten really tired of maintaining that smile, or that sense of awareness around people. i wish to go crazy, not in that clubbing sense, but rather just go somewhere where i can just let loose and be myself, my lousy self instead of acting to be someone who comes from an elite school. and there are not many people whom i feel at ease with that i'm willing to be myself around.

not that i'm not alone anyway.

maybe after a while, when i stop confiding in people, i'll start to think that friends are no longer a necessity, but rather a luxury.

it might be a good thing actually. at least it teaches me to treasure the luxury that i enjoy, no matter how limited that may be.

you know sometimes i wish that i've never gone through most of my student life meeting so many people and getting close to different people at different times. at least there won't be the sharp contrast as compared to the present.

there are just too many "what ifs" in this world. and my head is always thinking about all the different "what ifs" that could make a difference in my life.

i wish i can just let nature take its own course, instead of trying to control the outcome of everything that comes.

i wish i was never this rational. i wish i follow my heart more than i follow my brain. i wish i never cared about what people think about me.

a true case of "internal" conflict huh...