the unspoken emotions

just sent mel off at the airport. now, i have fewer and fewer friends in nus bizad. and the sad thing is, i dun even know the freshies. i dun like this feeling, but what can i do rite? other than admiting that i'm indeed old already.

someone called me 'old bird' last night at d&d. indeed i am. sometimes i dun even feel like i can connect with my freshies anymore. i dunno why this is happening, but yeah it is happening, very unfortunately. i guess i'm lucky that every sem in biz brings me different memories with different groups of friends. but sometimes, i wish these friendships would last longer.

and anyway, being at the airport today brought back many memories. i dunno whether to classify these memories as positive or negative, but yes everytime i think of them, i feel like tearing. i know i can't just live in the past like i have always been for the last few years, but i just can't help it. the airport just reminds me of you.

and i can't stand it that you are totally avoiding me. i can't stand it that you're talking to all my friends other than me. why can't our friendship return to normal. i just dunno what the freaking hell you're trying to do. i have every single image of what we used to do together, and this feeling sucks.

i think it's worse when you've been through all these but nothing came out of it as compared to having no memories at all. my life just went down the hill after that.

i suppose i'm over you, i'm just not over the memories, if someone even gets what i mean.

and i'm not just emo-ing over you, sometimes i wonder how much my friendship with others is worth in their eyes. sometimes i really feel that i can go into hiding and nobody will come and look for me. i feel that i'm left behind by everyone else, and i'm just left stranded on my own.

and i hate it when i realised that i can't connect with you anymore.

i really really miss being in cph, or being overseas for that matter. at least it brings my mind away from all the negative emotions i feel over here. and life's just so much simpler. somehow i regret not going for sep.

it sucks having such a strong front. everyone thinks you can handle everything yourself, and nobody bothers to help you. even when i feel horrible, i dun even want to talk to anyone. maybe it's just my life. maybe i'm destined to remain lonely and closed up all my life.