money is the root of all evil

there's a reason why sometimes i hate to involve money when playing games.

games are for recreational purposes, but when money is involved, it sometimes turns out to be ugly.

i've never ever had much luck with mahjong, and in my memory, there was never once i won money in mahjong games, but i was ok with it.

then when luck suddenly favoured me, since mahjong is a zero-sum game, things just had to turn out ugly.

you know in my heart, i was wishing i wasn't the one winning. i stopped paying attention to my tiles, skipped a few times of 'pengs' just because i wanted to reduce the tension. but somehow my tiles i got were just very nice. and i suppose not 'hu-ing' when you actually won is actually quite disrespectful to the other three.

so yeah..the tense situation carried on, and i was screaming in my heart to get out of that situation. then the inevitable happened. i would have really stepped out of the house if not for my friend.

i shan't elaborate more here. i didn't actually 'win' since i didn't collect the winnings anw, but now i really think money is bad.

-------------------------

i didn't even have a good chance to announce here that exams are over! met charles for dinner after my paper since we wanted to look for cedric's 21st present. had dinner at marche and bumped into mel and jasmine they all! anw, charles and i somehow didn't even realise how long we had been chatting until my bro called me and i looked at my watch and i realised it was already 11 plus. it's really great catching up with friends man.

you know i really hate it that i'm so easily and conveniently left out of any group of friends i may have. i always tend to be the odd one out, being singled out because of many various reasons. somehow, it seems like i'm always the spare tyre, only in use when the main tyres are faulty. i may not click with a lot of people, but it's saddening to feel so extra everywhere i go. there are just too many occasions when i think to myself that i shouldnt even be there.

slowly, i'm withdrawing myself, more and more into isolation. i'm such a failure. i just feel as though there wouldn't be any difference whether i exist or not, so why should i? i just can't find enough reasons for me to be around.

i used to be scared of loneliness. but now, i think i'm so acquainted with it that i feel weird not having it around me.

一个人虽然不快乐，但总好过去破坏其他人的快乐。反正，习惯就好，不是吗？