崩溃

mood swings (or perhaps even depression) are setting in even before i start my medication. yes my medication might result in depression and a whole load of other side effects.

i was totally crying my eyes out just now. started throwing everything around and banging my head/legs/hands everywhere.

all because of:
1) my laptop is hopeless. its connection is so super unstable. i have to resort to downloading random bit torrent files JUST to keep the connection going. if not, within 5 mins of restarting, it'll just disconnect.

2) my summer prog is giving me hell lot of problems to think about. firstly, my housing allocation hasn't come in when the whole world have already gotten their emails. secondly, my group can't decide when they want to fly, when they want to come back, where they want to fly to. thirdly, i'd always been looking forward to travelling with jun in europe when i go over. but just a few days ago, she told me she can only bring me around from 21-24th june. i was SOO disappointed. but what can i do.

i'm so sick of everything now i dun even feel like flying over already. yes i know i'm an escapist. but saves all the trouble isnt it.

3) my acne problem. yes i've seen nsc and all, but i'm still so damn bothered by it. now i wonder how come so many people are so skinny and have so good skin but i'm plagued by ALL sorts of problems.

4) now i realise what amy meant when she told me she wanted "love and concern" as a birthday present back in jc. i totally TOTALLY get it now.

5) i can't stand the fact that my family is making used of what i earn for tuition to make me pay for everything possible. whether it's celebration dinner, furniture, insurance, contact lenses, ETC. all these were NEVER paid by myself, and now they are making everything sound like it's MY responsibility to pay for all those. you know i really dun mind if they actually show some appreciation, but no, they are taking everything for granted.

6) friends.

people say friends come and go.

i say friends dun even come.

i'm quite disappointed by actions of some of my friends, and some of them those i actually regarded them as close friends in the past.

you know i used to think i can confide in them in just about anything, now it's hard to even believe that i once had such close relations with them.

when something/someone more important appears in their life, i become a spare tyre. or maybe not even a spare tyre. i become RUBBISH.

maybe it's also my fault. i dunno.

you know i used to think friends were the most important thing in my life when i was in primary school. but i started becoming disillusioned when my circle of true friends become smaller and smaller with days.

now i realised, to some people, friends are nothing but just tools.

so why am i still hanging on to the view that if i'm nice to people, they will in turn return the favour? and being nice is not just making yourself miserable, it also makes people take you for granted. and i totally hate being taken for granted.

so why am i living in this world? there's seriously NOTHING to stop me from escaping from all these. not like i can see myself being successful in the future, not in my career, neither in my family, friendships or even relationship.

if only someone can actually answer my question.