turtle

i miss all my friends!=( have been cooping myself up at home these days that i really miss hanging out with friends, going shopping, chatting, kboxing, everything! sometimes i wonder why i've changed so much from young. i used to be an extroverted little girl, planning all sorts of outings and gatherings, and talking to everyone i know. but now, not only i'm becoming a 宅女, i'm also gradually losing contact with so many so many friends.

can still remember all the 'friends forever' notes during primary school. i guess friends were really almost everything to me in the past. not that friendships have lost their significance, it's just that others have also caught up in 'ranking' as time passed. such a pity, really. i guess i'm just really horrible at maintaining friendships. sigh...

and now that i'm sorta planning a 21st bday party, have been wondering who to invite and realised, hey maybe i dun have many friends to invite after all. ah well, shan't think of all these first.

i really feel quite horrible about myself for not sourcing for an internship hard enough. all the emails in my nus inbox (though i haven't been checking them often) regarding internships, i haven't even been tracking them at all. i'm so directionless about my future, i'm so unmotivated to boost my resume, or maybe i should say i'm so lazy and scared of taking up good jobs.

sometimes i hate myself for it. i feel like i'm a turtle, hiding my head in my shell and coming out only when food is here, just doing whatever is necessary to survive. i'm not even walking around to look for some adventures or whatever opportunities that may come my way.

and what's the use of hating myself for it when i dun even try to improve. and i have to admit that one reason why i insist so much in not going for exchange is that i'm scared. scared of stepping out of my comfort zone, scared of living by myself for 6 months. scared of a new environment. scared of making new friends. even though i may tell people otherwise. sigh WANG YUYOU AMELIA! WHEN WILL YOU WAKE UP!!!