empty bus, empty heart

i broke down on the way home just now. luckily there wasn't anyone around me in the bus when that happened.

i was alone in the upper deck of bus 51. it was 11.30pm when i board the bus, and the whole upper deck was empty until the bus reached clarke quay.

mum called to ask where i was. the whole convo went like this:

mum: where are you?
me: in the bus lor. just after telok blangah
mum: how come so late? then you never call us let us know.
me: you were the one who asked me to go home on my own wat.
mum: i thought you were going home when you called me at 9plus wat.

right...a few hours ago, i was asked to go home on my own. then i was scolded for not telling them before i go home. wow. so what am i supposed to do.

i feel really tragic. i feel as if nobody cares what time i go home, nobody cares whether i've eaten, nobody cares what i'm doing at any point of time. all these are so small stuff, but people who know me well enough know that i'm concerned about the small stuff that people do to you, not those stuff that are obvious to everyone else. in the past, i still yearned for this kind of independence, when nobody nags at me. but now, when you come home and everyone else is asleep, when you're tired after one long day of projects and you still get screamed at on the phone, when the house blacks out and you're the only one who has to scramble for a torch to get to the circuit box, sometimes you wonder what kind of life you're leading.

sometimes i really wish for some concern that comes with initiative. i'm tired of always asking, most of the time unsuccessfully, for concern, like whining to bro to fetch me or something to that extent. i'm tired of hinting to people that i'm unhappy, be it thru msn nicks or whatsoever. maybe even thru this blog.

and i guess it's also cos of the crazily busy schedule i have. i mean my projects are not THAT intensive, but they're definitely time-consuming enough such that i dun even get time to rest properly. just that i can't believe how easily i succumbed to the stress of projects this sem.

and didn't help that my gastric came on the way home too.

somehow i also thought about how useless i am. i'm always too timid to venture out of my comfort zone, eg like learning to swim, roller-blate, or more recently, to drive properly. it's just too hard to think about what uses i have in the world. like my purpose for coming into this world.

everyone seems to like to assume that i'm strong and always fine, when in fact i really think i'm just the exact opposite.

but, as i was thinking about all the above stuff, everything just pales in comparison when tv mobile showed the experiences of a man who had his leg amputated, and another kid who suffered from cancer. maybe life just wanted to tell me that i must learn to be contented.