managing expectations

i feel really alone in everything.

sometimes when you feel close to a person, maybe you're not after all. i think my idea of a close friendship is damn screwed up. maybe it takes time to nurture a friendship, but somehow it's not so easy. that's why i have so few close friends i guess.

then again, i really feel like i'm screwing everything up. EVERYTHING.

i never used to know why people can live knowing that people dislike you. now i know why, esp when put into such a position.

yes, as i say i dun care what they think of me, i can only pretend to be 洒脱，it hurts to know the truth.

but seriously, i know that whatever reasons i give for not being at the place will equate to excuses, which is why i dun bother explaining anymore. i am disillusioned. one part of me keeps thinking, 'why am i still going down when in any case they're going to say i'm not committed'. but of cos, i still have to be accountable to myself.

and then, there are family issues that of cos i won't bother explaining to everyone. it's impossible to please everyone.

maybe i should really just try to meet my own expectations instead of trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. i'm sick and tired of trying to please everyone.

you know, i feel like getting someone to talk to but i really can't find anyone.

good thing there's only slightly more than a week left for now. if this goes on, i'm really afraid i'll break down even before school starts.

yes, i may be weak, and i'm not afraid to admit it. but if you're not me, how would you ever know if you won't be stressed when you're in my position?