putting the blame

sometimes i wonder if i have chosen the correct path. you know i've been making decisions without thinking much about them. just purely based on intuition. as time goes on, when suddenly i realised i dunno what i'm doing, and that my personality is so not suited for biz, i'm starting to think more.

maybe i'm still unwilling to step out of my comfort zone. i've been giving myself excuses about not going on sep, but is it really only cos of money matters that i'm refusing to apply for sep? sometimes i feel guilty myself trying to explain to people my decision for not applying.

i still feel as though i'm a spoilt and childish kid insisting on my own ways and unwilling to accept fluctuation and uncertainty in my life. i feel as though i'm still trapped in my own small little world. all the talk about globalisation doesnt seem to apply to me. or rather, i chose to not let it apply to me.

on to another matter, i do hope cherry is feeling better. cherry, if you're reading this, remember i'll always be here for you k!=) 10th year of friendship! omg.

i can't stand people who, when things happen, blame everything on the situation or on other people instead of blaming themselves. sometimes, i really think most of the negative stuff that happen are cos of one's own actions, directly or indirectly.

for example, when you're late for an appointment, would you blame the traffic jam or the public transport system or would you blame yourself for not leaving the house earlier? when you break up, would you blame the other party or on other circumstances or would you blame yourself for not maintaining the relationship well enough? when you dun talk to your frens anymore, would you blame your frens or would you blame yourself for not initiating a conversation? when you get horrible academic scores, would you blame the teachers for setting a hard paper or would you blame yourself for not studying hard enough?

i guess the above are not very good examples, but my point is, we should look inward and reflect when things happen, and not simply put all the blame on others or on circumstances. of cos i'm not saying i dun do so, but i can say that more often than not, i'd tend to blame myself for simply not being good enough. i admit readily my weaknesses, cos i know there are many people out there who can do stuff better than i can.

but of cos, maybe that's why i lack the confidence in myself too. maybe that's how my inferiority complex came about. maybe it's the elitist culture that i was in for 6 years that cruelly showed me the many many qualities that i lack.

i can't wait for bangkok! (though sometimes i'll still feel a bit sian diao when i think of how i should be going taiwan instead of bangkok.=X)