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my mood was fluctuating quite a lot today. woke up early today cos didnt tell mum stardust meeting was cancelled. didnt manage to go back to sleep, so just woke up lor.

rag meeting was quite funny. but honestly, i still dun quite feel the bond to the comm yet. maybe it's cos i'm not close to the people at all. i suppose it takes time lar. and somemore i'm not one who gets close to people easily. i guess we'll have tons of time. but from the way dexter said it, there are really quite a lot of expectations and stress. do hope we can overcome all those and continue to accomplish our goals.=)

went with ja to vivo to shop after the meeting. then was late in meeting bro on the bus, so he had to alight. and all we had was silence for the rest of the journey.

was just thinking on the bus, i really hate my life sometimes. i'm quite tired of making everyone happy, giving in to everyone, pleasing people around me. sometimes i realise how some people just take for granted the niceness of people. i dunno. i feel like an insignificant person most of the times, but whenever help is needed, the opposite occurs. i know how bad this sounds, and people may well be thinking, what kind of girl i am, cos i shouldnt even be hoping to get anything out of helping others. but you know, it's tiring maintaining such an image. and sometimes you just want to feel appreciated, then you know everything you did, are doing, and will do is worth it.

i'm starting to think, do i appear cocky, proud, distant to people, especially people who dunno me well? i do hate myself for not being able to open up to people easily, and feeling so self-conscious all the time, cos even watching yourself is tiring.

ah well. my family had dinner together to 'celebrate' my bday. sometimes i wonder what kind of person i'll be if i wasn't born in my family. i think i was trained to 'shut up' since i was young, making me very hesitant to voice my opinions all the time, even till now. i've always felt that my opinions arent important, that there are always better ones around. sometimes my smiling front is just a mask, that underneath it lies a whole pack of insecurity, fright, lack of love, inferiority, frustration, regrets.

you know without smiling, i think i'm hopeless at networking. i'm even scared of approaching people. how coward can i get.

anw, went for tuition, and dylan gave me a pleasant surprise! he knew almost everything that i tested him! wow. hopefully he does well for his science ca. and his mum gave me a rather huge angpow too. surprisingly, he sorta made things better for me, and after tuition, the two buses that i took came right after i reached the bus stops. then when i came home, i found my room to be super neat cos my mum helped me clear up. it was a great ending to an otherwise highly reflective day.

i think i still believe in the power of fate in our lives. things are fated, dun they seem so. but fate can be very cruel. i've seen how it works.