she bu de ni zou

i seriously dun want tmr to come.

i keep thinking it's so far away, but now that it's here, i dun want to face reality.

i really dunno how it feels like to see a close friend leave until today. it's like, i can't imagine how lonely i'll feel. nobody to celebrate our bdays, nobody to celebrate vday with etc. like you said, we always keep the most special days in our calendar for each other. i really dunno what will happen after you leave. who will celebrate my bday for me? who will celebrate yours with you? who will be willing to spend vday with me? so many of my 'routines' will have to change.

i can nv put into words how much impact you have in my life.

please be happy there. and i'll try to be happy here too. then when we meet, we'll only have good things to talk about.=)

i've been seriously pissed with bro these days. it's not that i wanna complain, but seriously, the car is a family property, but you think it's yours. is it so hard to wake up one hour earlier to fetch your sister to school? even when you meet your sister outside school and we're both heading home, can't you just fetch her home? seriously, i was damn paiseh to have to follow someone else's car home when you are in the same area. you know once again you make me feel as though i'm the only child? every morning you just tell me to do this to do that, then you drive the car to school. and when i dun do anything, you say i'm lazy and a damn slacker. you keep asking me to do tutorials/study as if i dunno what i'm doing. i'm damn tired of having to entertain you already. i'm damn tired of having to look at your smiling face when i feel so miserable inside. and you lead a rich man's lifestyle while nagging at me to cut down on my expenses. please practise what you preach if you want me to listen to you.

i dun even know why i'm crying because of this.

i bet when mum and dad come home, they will scold me for not doing housework. there's a reason why i dun like to be at home.

was talking to ya ytd about quite a lot of things. i guess many of us have two sides of ourselves, one side being the side frequently shown to others, the other side being the side that we always want to keep to ourselves. he reminded me so much about myself this time last year. and i totally understand what he's feeling right now. somehow i'm glad he vented some of his frustrations last night.

playing the role of a supporter doesn't get much appreciation. but sometimes it's good for people to look around closely and identify the people who have contributed but nv ever get the recognition. when people succeed, they attribute the success to themselves, but when they fail, they push everything to others or situation. how about those who have been silently doing the job, putting everything together? so they shud just resign to fate that they can only work in the background?

ya gave the analogy of a nail, and i really thought it was a good illustration. a nail can be so insignificant, maybe till the point it gets rusty. but it's the one that has been holding the structure together. it goes unnoticed till the point someone pulls out the nail and the whole structure collapses. sometimes, you just want to be the nail that gets pulled out.

i think i grew up too fast. so much so that i've lost the innocence that many people possess. i'm conditioned to always be wary of others. i read too much into people's actions. i'm suspicious of people's motives for doing things. i read too much into what people think of me. you know it's so sad when everyone was talking about all the childhood stories and i realised i dunno a lot of them? it's like i completely skipped that whole phase of life.

sometimes i feel so ashamed of myself. so what if i was from rj, held several leadership positions before? nobody appreciates that. my life is heading nowhere. i'm seldom truly happy.

wow i'm thinking too much again.