breaking point

the costing stuff for the guangzhou trip is driving me crazy lar seriously. sooooo many stuff to take into consideration, and i can't stand putting things on hold, and that's what i have to do now cos i simply have no choice. argh. almost quarrelled with mum over all these stuff lar.

then again, quarrelling with her isn't something to be surprised about. i'm always quarrelling with her anw.

i seriously cannot take it anymore. i'm starting to breakdown a lot more these days. a simple "eh where is my battery charger ah?" can drive me nuts. the differences in her tone are SOOOOOO evident. and i really can't stand it when she simply accuses me of doing stuff i nv did. but she nv says the same thing to the other two. she's always so gentle to them, but to me, it's like she's always scolding me.

even as i say this, i'm really damn angry. i just need the same kind of respect you give to the other two. you basically think you care for me and so i shouldnt be complaining, but CARE and RESPECT are two different issues. i'm not denying the fact that she does care for me, but she's not respecting me at all. so at home, i'm always the person being blamed and accused, whereas, even if the other two do something wrong, she won't scold them.

it might sound really minor and all, but everything has been accumulated since young, and somehow i think i really can't take it anymore. i'm super sensitive to whatever she says now. a small small issue and it could send me crying in the toilet for such a long time. at that point of time, i so wish i have the finances to stay in hostel for my uni life. i just dun wanna face all these everytime i come home everyday.

i wonder how long more it takes for me to explode in her face and cause a major family argument.

out of job now. but enjoying it cos i can at least wake up later, and do more thinking and planning for the stuff coming up. last day was rather fun cos it was spent walking around, talking to people about the same stuff (uni stuff basically) and giving out of farewell presents. jaslyn actually gave me a swatch watch! though i think i might not wear it at all.=X talking to my ex-colleagues made me feel that i actually made a difference in the working environment. and i actually feel more self-worth anywhere else but at home. tragic isnt it.

sentio was not bad. i was really impressed by some of the dances. i think i prefer those dances that have a certain storyline and theme. thought the modernisation theme came out really strongly, and i really enjoyed that particular dance. nice seeing buddy as well.=) shall post it when jun sends it to me. hah.

dinner on tues with mel at chijmes. quite a good one.=) and of cos it was great catching up as well. and yes jess, that place is romantic. haha.

sometimes i just want some time to be alone. but i still have to help bro recover and spend time with him. that's taking up super a lot of my time doing nothing. ah well. i guess everything will be worth it in the end.

i just can't convince myself that i'm good enough, cos everywhere i go i feel inferior, even at home.