memories and the past

please do not read on if you are in a good mood.

i wonder if it takes a quarrel just to know what the other party is thinking about.

one doesn't talk to me.

one simply thinks i'm damn materialistic and doesn't know how to think for myself.

the once-closest to me is no longer someone i would confide in.

i really dunno what will happen if i truly flare up.

it was a small matter that triggered. but it was enough, for me to lock myself up in my room, to break out in tears, to take everything unbreakable that i could reach for and slam them onto the floor, to knock the back of my head continuously on the wall, to think of escaping...

but there was still the sane side of me telling me that i shouldn't continue. i felt just like a helpless kid, feeling like running away from it all but knowing that i can't do it.

bro came in to apologise, ruffling my hair, asking me not to cry. i told him it wasn't entirely his fault, and he wanted me to talk to him. but how could i? to tell him that i think there is no longer a home for me to be in? that actually most of my unhappiness comes when i'm in the house? everyone has their own set of problems and psychological barriers that they can't get over. and i dun think i should burden him with mine, and make him feel worse than he is now. cos after all, i was never in his position.

i know. we, having our fate in our own hands, should learn to change things to make things better. but i can't, i simply can't. we should adapt to our circumstances, and be contented. which is why i'm not talking about this to anyone on the phone, cos i nv want to waste anyone's time talking about my own problems. i always believe that i should solve my own problems, though sometimes i dun, but at least i dun burden anyone else.

but strangely enough, i would be more than happy if a friend comes and talk to me about his/her problems.

what a mother's day for me. but at least, after the quarrel, bro ended up trying to make me happy the whole day.

i finally understand what people mean by choking on the cigarette smoke. today, after talking to wj who was smoking in front of me, i totally felt so...awful. the feeling of not being able to breathe properly, and having a whole lung-ful of the smoke. i didn't think it'd be that bad, cos after all, i used to be a passive smoker. but now i finally realised how bad it can get. ah well. i'm never gonna go for "fresh air" with him anymore.

i just can't stop myself from thinking. it's been so long ago, but yet, everything we've done is still fresh in my mind. it's like, the memories are kept somewhere, but it doesn't take much for me to think back on those times. when i walk past familiar places, when i scroll through those smses, when i think about how life was like then. sometimes i wish things were like in the past, but i know it will never be the same anymore. it can't be.

it was you who brought me through the hard times. but it was also you who left me lost in the jungle.