i hate my life.

wo men ke bu ke yi bu yong gan?

i'm tired of being strong. but is there any alternative? no. cos at this time and age, you can't afford not to be strong. it's not in school, when you're still so sheltered. now, we're judged by everything we do.

i thought i was a strong person, but no, i just realised i'm not. i may be smiling all the time, but somehow, my heart is screaming for attention. today, i have no idea what came over me, but i just started crying and crying. i just feel that i'm such a failure. i feel that i've failed in every single aspect of my life, for both tangible and intangible stuff. i can't even think of anything that i'm proud of that i've done for the past 18 years. i dun even possess anything that i can feel happy about. i just feel like giving up everything, and lead a happier life and not caring about anything. but yet, i can't do that. it's irresponsible.

and it just didn't help that despite everything i've done at home, it seems like it's never enough. i'm expected to do so much. i'm expected to listen to them. i'm expected to do well. the pressure on me is overwhelming, and yet, they give my bro so much leeway to do whatever he wants to do. even when i was having Os or As, i was helping out with housework and all. now, he's having a SMALL test, and he's excused from doing anything. he doesn't have time to do housework, but he has tons of time to go out and have fun. and for me, when i said i wanted to go out, she just stared at me, and said, "so you expecting me to do everything lar." and the fact is, i've been staying at home on weekends for the whole of last month, doing EVERYTHING, and yet they still take it for granted that i'm supposed to do everything. talk about equal roles in the family. sometimes i just feel like walking out.

sometimes i wonder how it all turned out this way. even the closest person in my life is slowly drifting away from me. i can't stand it when you preach to me about one thing, and on the next day, you dun follow what you said. i can't stand it when you give so many excuses about being busy, and commanding me to do everything, when you can spend your days going out and having fun. so what if you have a gf? does that mean you can just throw everything else to people around you and make them clean up all your shit for you? does that mean that people around you have to give in to you all the time, and revolve everything they do around your schedule? all the relatives still think you're an angel. and me, just a load of rubbish hiding behind you who's getting all the attention.

yes i can complain all i want here, but nothing's in my control. the next moment i know, i'm being asked to do something else, and getting scolded for sitting in front of my comp not doing anything. i know my parents are probably wondering why i was pulling a long face just now. they prob thought that i was being angry at them for making me do everything. but i seriously dun care. they prob didn't even know i was tearing. they nv seem to understand what i feel anw. not that anybody truly does.

i wonder what will make me happy again.